Doctor’s Appointment Gone Wrong
During a routine examination, 81-year-old Susan Bernstein pulled a sawed-off shotgun from her purse and then turned on her physician. She held the doctor at gunpoint and forced him to perform lewd acts, such as hitting himself in the head with one of those little reflex mallet thingies, and yelling into his [...]

The other day my good friend and long-time hacky-sack/beatboxing partner enlightened me on an intriguing anecdote from that day at school. Andromodes (whose name has been changed for the sake of anonymity) had been wandering around at lunch as usual, searching for someone with actual skill with whom to hack some sack.
After several moments of [...]

My job rules. The building it’s in, doesn’t rule. Right now they’re redoing the 2nd floor, which is where the company is located. There are no bathrooms so you have to take the elevator up or down one floor if you want to get to one. There is a layer of plastic wrap over all [...]

At Virginia Tech there isn’t much to talk about except football and drinking. When you aren’t waking up in random places, finding humongous granny panties on your doorknob along with “thanks for last night” written in scarlet lipstick, or describing that awesome game-winning play and how your cheering must have affected the outcome, other approaches [...]

It was two days ago, and two days ago it was. My laundry needed to be done and dontcha know, I was doin it. When I reached into the basket to grab the last handful of smelly, sweat-stained socks, the refrigerator caught my eye. It was pea green, a prime example of a retro 70’s [...]

On a Saturday afternoon not too long ago, I was chizilling on the couch like, fo shizzle. Wayne’s World 2 was on TV, so it was a total score. But just as the movie was getting really way cool I heard a knock at the door. I glanced at the clock; 3:30pm. “Who could it [...]

A 52-year-old man was arrested Thursday after he mowed down several dozen pedestrians in his 1986 Chevy pick-up truck. When asked why he went on such a brutal rampage with seemingly no remorse for his actions, the man told police that video games made him do it.
Later the man said he had scored somewhere in [...]

I love McDonalds. I’m not talking about the word as if it were some flimsy “looking to the stars and sighing” type love either. I’m talking collect the nail clippings, take a picture while they aren’t looking, and light candles type of love. There is something about the word McDonalds that causes my heart to [...]

I noticed a suspicious character several yards in front of me as I was walking out to my car after class last week. I knew my preconceptions were correct when he glanced around to make sure no one was looking, tossed a plastic wrapper on the ground, and stuffed the last of whatever sugar-coated junk [...]

It’s no surprise that for as long as many can recall, citizens of the United States have been using Canada as the scapegoat for everything short of an as-yet-to-occur nuclear holocaust. But a new grassroots movement has people believing it’s Canada’s own fault that they are to blame.
“All they do is sit there,” says one [...]

Dennis “The Menace” Kucinich, or so he likes to be called, is in my opinion a genius. Who else has found a way to buy as many pounds of illegal drugs as he can while maintaining credibility under the guise of “running for president?” I don’t mean to imply that the man is on crack, [...]

Dude, mouse traps are sweet. I was up late the other night getting some food and when I walked into the kitchen I saw this furry little creature run from the oven to the cabinet in a flash. Realizing what I had to do, I got up underneath the sink and located the extra mouse [...]

Sex No Longer Selling Like It Used To
At the close of the 4th quarter, high-level officials in the entertainment industry issued a stunning report: sex sales are at an all-time low.
“We just don’t know what happened. Sex was selling like hot-cakes and then all of a sudden, our relationship with the consumer started to fizzle.”
In [...]

Multiple Screen Names Affect Social Life
A new study by the Internet Health and Safety Board shows that not only are multiple screen names annoying, they are also associated with “a serious relational disorder that we’re calling False Identity Syndrome Type Y, or FISTY,” says Dr. Robert Gugenheimer, an expert with the IHSB.
“People just bite off [...]

Student Does Homework Friday, Enjoys Rest of Weekend
A local high school student did all her homework on Friday evening, sources tell SweetCripes. Apparently, she was sick of putting it off until Sunday night and feeling tired on Monday.
Information gathered by our scouts alludes to the fact that the un-named student did approximately 30 math problems, [...]

The other day, two PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) advocates issued a release about the deer population. The two were driving along a rural road in New Jersey when a deer came along side the vehicle, damaging the bumper and some of the frame. Instead of being concerned with the deer’s overall [...]

Valentine’s Day has got to be the worst holiday since Black Friday. Not unlike Black Friday, Valentine’s Day is all about money. No one goes for the “it’s the thought that counts” excuse anymore. That saying should be changed to “it’s the bling that counts,” or even better, “dolla dolla bill, y’all!”
If you think I’m [...]

Took a trip to the good ol’ supermarket today. Shopper’s Food Warehouse, to be exact. That place kicks so much tail, it’s the best out there for prices, service, and overall quality. However, the amount of money you spend on groceries will only continue to rise while Bush remains in office. Don’t get me wrong, [...]

Yesterday I decided to go to class. Something always goes wrong when I make irrational decisions like that. And two days before tomorrow was no different. At first it seemed the logical thing to do; having just gotten off work, it would have been foolish to drive all the way home and then have to [...]

The Virginia Primaries. Woe is me, terror of all terrors. In other words, crank up the burner to high and attach my face. A sizzling ball of fiery doom for all of us good, rational citizens who don’t believe in tooth fairies, elves, or politics.
John Edwards is a nobody. In election terms, he’s not a [...]

Alright, it’s confession time. I’ve been dealing with this problem for a long while and it’s time I brought it out into the open. I can no longer leave a grocery store without a large quantity of soda pop. Yeah, go ahead and laugh it up. Laugh til you’re blue in the face, ya jerk. [...]

My life is so frickin awesome I decided to throw a huge Super Bowl bash this year. For myself. I got an amazing 3-hour sleep Saturday night, so by 6pm Sunday evening I was running on nothing but long-lasting, minty-fresh breath and a burning desire to see the Patriots get impaled. But the fact that [...]

This morning when I was crossing the polar ice flows to get out to my car, I was thinking about how much cold weather bites a big one, when out of nowhere I slipped and fell, and cracked my head open. As blood began to spurt profusely from various ice-shard wounds I had taken to [...]