As the weather warms and your wintery fatty acids begin to broil under the UV rays of God’s tanning lamp, young and old gather to fight the battle of the bulge. Now before you go join them in their clamber for a six pack, be warned: the type of people who like to pump themselves [...]

That’s right, I’m picking a fight with one of the most profitable companies on the face of this solar system. Do I fear being struck down by a coffee guru and his café mocha-choca-latte-chino with caramel and whipped cream? Heck no! They’d probably try to come at me with a napkin and then realize how [...]

Everyone dreams of a land where babies can run shirtless and shoeless, without having to worry about barbed wire, broken glass, and Boy Scout leaders; a land where they can be surrounded by soft bunnies and non-poisonous flowers.
This dream, however, is stopped short by a little thing called reality. Babies live in a cruel, integer-filled [...]

You see it everywhere. Whiny, upper-middle-class girly-boy freaks running around, complaining about their latest girl problem, how they can’t find their stuffed animal Snuggles, and how the reflection of the sun on their gerbil cage makes them contemplate the relative deprivation of society (ie., John got an oompa loompa, I feel worthless because I don’t [...]

Mark this day down in history! Today is the day I no longer have to gruel tirelessly on x variables, solve equations that don’t seem to have a purpose in real life, or sit for hours at a time staring at some formula a weirdo made up to make life harder. Yes, Oh yes that [...]

Impinging on boredom, my best friend and I decided to stop wasting time and try to become pop culture icons. At first it seemed as easy as becoming a college sorority girl; all we had to do was send in a video to a company and SHABAM - we would become cultural icons.
So we started [...]

I was sifting through some cds during my stint at the radio station and came across a beloved childhood character, Tiny Tim. If you are unfamiliar with Tiny Tim he’s not a character in any Dickens novel, but a flashy redheaded carnie who enjoyed popularity from his songs “Tip Toe through the Tulips”, “I Love [...]

I swore to myself that I would never say it, but what are kids learning these days? I was browsing through the up-and-coming television shows for children (yes sometimes I have no life) and became frightened greatly by the new developments in television programming. Evidently the creators of Teletubbies have created a new show that [...]

Okay to tell you the truth, I think that Saint Patrick’s Day is the stupidest holiday ever contrived that’s actually celebrated. Other stupid holidays that never are celebrated, but are created by extremely bored people include:
1.) Put zuchinni on your neighbor’s doorstep day: July 12th
2.) Lost Sock Remembrance Day (Support the victims of evil washing [...]

I can’t wait till I get really old and decrepit. I know it sounds pretty sick, but I’ve been studying old people for several years and have decided to go into my senileness unprecedented by any other old fogies. There are a couple steps I must take before I get old, however, so that I [...]