Punish them for hitting the gas too hard.

No less than a month ago, the worst bill in the history of time was passed into law: a fee of between $1,050 and around $3,000 will be tacked onto your expenses if you’re a Virginia resident caught going more than 20mph over the speed limit, or more [...]

Wow, I never knew girls liked lollipops so much. Never thought I’d care about Myspace this much either, but it’s really getting to be lame these days. Every time I get on now I’m bombarded with videos of half-naked chicks eating lollipops, friend requested by bogus profiles of other half-naked chicks, and messaged by fake [...]

As the weather warms and your wintery fatty acids begin to broil under the UV rays of God’s tanning lamp, young and old gather to fight the battle of the bulge. Now before you go join them in their clamber for a six pack, be warned: the type of people who like to pump themselves [...]

That’s right, I’m picking a fight with one of the most profitable companies on the face of this solar system. Do I fear being struck down by a coffee guru and his café mocha-choca-latte-chino with caramel and whipped cream? Heck no! They’d probably try to come at me with a napkin and then realize how [...]

Everyone dreams of a land where babies can run shirtless and shoeless, without having to worry about barbed wire, broken glass, and Boy Scout leaders; a land where they can be surrounded by soft bunnies and non-poisonous flowers.
This dream, however, is stopped short by a little thing called reality. Babies live in a cruel, integer-filled [...]

You see it everywhere. Whiny, upper-middle-class girly-boy freaks running around, complaining about their latest girl problem, how they can’t find their stuffed animal Snuggles, and how the reflection of the sun on their gerbil cage makes them contemplate the relative deprivation of society (ie., John got an oompa loompa, I feel worthless because I don’t [...]

Mark this day down in history! Today is the day I no longer have to gruel tirelessly on x variables, solve equations that don’t seem to have a purpose in real life, or sit for hours at a time staring at some formula a weirdo made up to make life harder. Yes, Oh yes that [...]

Impinging on boredom, my best friend and I decided to stop wasting time and try to become pop culture icons. At first it seemed as easy as becoming a college sorority girl; all we had to do was send in a video to a company and SHABAM - we would become cultural icons.
So we started [...]

I was sifting through some cds during my stint at the radio station and came across a beloved childhood character, Tiny Tim. If you are unfamiliar with Tiny Tim he’s not a character in any Dickens novel, but a flashy redheaded carnie who enjoyed popularity from his songs “Tip Toe through the Tulips”, “I Love [...]

I swore to myself that I would never say it, but what are kids learning these days? I was browsing through the up-and-coming television shows for children (yes sometimes I have no life) and became frightened greatly by the new developments in television programming. Evidently the creators of Teletubbies have created a new show that [...]

Okay to tell you the truth, I think that Saint Patrick’s Day is the stupidest holiday ever contrived that’s actually celebrated. Other stupid holidays that never are celebrated, but are created by extremely bored people include:
1.) Put zuchinni on your neighbor’s doorstep day: July 12th
2.) Lost Sock Remembrance Day (Support the victims of evil washing [...]

I can’t wait till I get really old and decrepit. I know it sounds pretty sick, but I’ve been studying old people for several years and have decided to go into my senileness unprecedented by any other old fogies. There are a couple steps I must take before I get old, however, so that I [...]

At Virginia Tech there isn’t much to talk about except football and drinking. When you aren’t waking up in random places, finding humongous granny panties on your doorknob along with “thanks for last night” written in scarlet lipstick, or describing that awesome game-winning play and how your cheering must have affected the outcome, other approaches [...]

I love McDonalds. I’m not talking about the word as if it were some flimsy “looking to the stars and sighing” type love either. I’m talking collect the nail clippings, take a picture while they aren’t looking, and light candles type of love. There is something about the word McDonalds that causes my heart to [...]

Dennis “The Menace” Kucinich, or so he likes to be called, is in my opinion a genius. Who else has found a way to buy as many pounds of illegal drugs as he can while maintaining credibility under the guise of “running for president?” I don’t mean to imply that the man is on crack, [...]

The other day, two PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) advocates issued a release about the deer population. The two were driving along a rural road in New Jersey when a deer came along side the vehicle, damaging the bumper and some of the frame. Instead of being concerned with the deer’s overall [...]