We Did Not Expect to Suck So Much!
After getting my fifteen-billionth error message on Myspace today, I decided that I have completely changed my opinion of social networking websites. I’d just like to point out that Facebook has become ultimately superior to Myspace in every way. If you live in a cardboard box and don’t [...]

Driving home from work yesterday I happened upon two idiots holding campaign signs on the street corner. “What a couple of societal rejects,” I thought to myself, “slinging signs for the latest crop of worthless politician.” The hand-drawn signs were written on posterboard and said stupid junk like “TIRED oF TRAffIc? VoTE FoR [insert name [...]

Saturday morning breakfast is pretty much like the highlight of my entire week. Usually it’s either bacon and eggs or a tasty beef and cheese omelette, maybe some sausage every now and then. But whatever I’m eating, it involves eggs. Now maybe when you go to the store and buy eggs, you really don’t even [...]

After many moons, the long-awaited and highly anticipated third part of the “Growing Out the ‘Stache” series is here. Well, I’m not sure about the “awaited” or the “anticipated” part. But it sure is long, and I definitely must’ve been high when I thought of the idea. Anyway, this is all about great big mustachios [...]

This past summer I decided that rather than continuing to live in the Unholy Fires of Hell any longer, I would need to have my broken air conditioning system replaced. Quite an expense, I can assure you - and thus, I have begun my search for a gig on the side to help pay off [...]

So being the fanatical DC United fan I am(???), I went to the first pro soccer game I’ve ever been to, we got tickets with the support crews, squad, gang, fans, freaks, and nutcases. The next time I go I might sit back a few rows in the back… the seats were sweet we were [...]

It was a damp summer evening, and a dense fog lay heavily around my house. Actually it was inside my house rather than around it, and the fog was actually smoke billowing out of my oven. Cooking steak indoors is a feat not easily accomplished by mortal men, but I was determined to wait it [...]

I don’t like to make a habit of using my almighty influence to defame celebrities, but I am forced to make an exception in this case because of how exceptionally ugly Julia Stiles is. You could hit every branch during your fall from the top of a Roseanne Barr tree, get trampled by a herd [...]

I’d do well to marry myself a crazed, career-obsessed psychopath of a woman, whose blind determination to climb the corporate ladder to insurmountable success enables me to become a house-husband. The endless banter about the changing gender roles in our society has some weight to it. Well, I’m finally giving in.
These days, women want careers; [...]

As usual, I was looking for a fresh new way in which to broaden my horizons, alter my life dramatically and change my whole outlook on being super great. Unfortunately that idea degenerated into buying Scope mouthwash instead of my usual brand the last time I was at the store. It turned out to be [...]

Now that my mustache is fully grown, I have become truly spectacular in every way. My dastardly plan to become all-powerful through facial hair is nearly complete.
During my research, I have discovered startling evidence that mustaches exist. The image at right is an original, unaltered frame from the internationally acclaimed smash hit movie “Titanic.” It [...]

It’s no secret that I like dressing in women’s clothing. At least now it’s not. But you can’t wear a bra out in public if you’re a man, so on Memorial Day I put on normal clothes and went to the National Zoo with my girlfriend.
On the way there we got lost because I was [...]

I just went to see the third episode of Star Wars the other day and I’ve decided I’m going to fall to the dark side of the Force. I’ve been a proponent of the Jedi way of life for a while, but I’m just not doing the special powers I need. The way I see [...]

I feel the need to share my thoughts on a tragic and unfortunate event which transpired recently: the marriage of pasty-white actress/ghoul Renee Zellweger to grossly over-rated country music star Kenny Chesney. What a disaster.
When I first heard the news, I lit my nose hair on fire and ran screaming off the third floor balcony [...]

For several reasons, but mostly out of sheer boredom and vain curiosity, I recently decided to conduct a scientific experiment by documenting the growth of my mustache.
I’ve never had a mustache before, but those who wear them tend to always be top-notch at life. Thus, I thought of a few examples of sweet dudes whose [...]

If you watch the news, you are an undeniably huge prick. You might say, “Oh, but I only tune in for the weather report, because it’s always accurate and never wrong!” In that case you’re not only gullible, but you should go fall on something sharp. “I need to check traffic before I leave for [...]

I’m not sure what kind of cool you think you are, but I personally have been waiting for years for a medium through which I can spew my personal information into cyberspace so anyone with half a brain and the ability to type can exploit me to the fullest.
Enter thefacebook.
Back in the good old days, [...]

Listen, I don’t want any of your stupid junk. Stop telling me what I need, if I ever want any of your worthless, over-priced merchandise I’ll find somewhere to get it cheaper. I’ve been listening to the radio and realize now that there is no such thing as a good commercial. The only decent ones [...]

Here’s a quick excerpt from this morning: I was in the Parking Lot (ie., the Fairfax County Parkway during morning rush hour just south of Reston) and I noticed a police car just up ahead. The officer was standing along the side of the road looking at each car as it passed. I decided it [...]

Fathers - with the cold season upon us, a post-holiday vacation to somewhere warm and sunny can be just the thing to melt away those winter blues. But the commercials you see on TV about places like the Bahamas, Puerto Rico and Florida fail to address one important issue: what if you didn’t get what [...]

Dang flabbit, people are so superficial it makes me want to shotgun them in the face, all the time. Just the other day I was looking around online for pictures of aborted fetuses when I came upon some generic, boneheaded site about “Reasons Why I Love You.”
One of them was something really homosexual like “I [...]

The tale you are about to hear is absolutely true. The names, places, and events have been altered to add continuity to an otherwise unrelated series of happenings.
This afternoon I walked to the Circle Plaza to eat lunch at Subway (very fresh, as promised in the advertisements, by the way). It was a fairly normal [...]

For those of you who might not live in Northern Virginia, or any part of the D.C. metro area, I’ve comprised a short description in hopes that this will deter you from even the slightest whim or desire to move here.
The first thing you should know is that everyone in Northern Virginia is a rich [...]

I was watching the Presidential debate the other day and I noticed a huge topic missing from the discussion. In mainstream politics today, it seems that everyone continues to overlook one of the most horrific problems with our nation: we let people into our country who don’t speak English. There’s nothing more irritating than receiving [...]

What the garbage?!?! Today I drove to work. I was in the left lane on the Parkway, and there was this Toyota Corolla in the right lane a short distance ahead of me. Just as I came up to pass it, the Corolla started to drift over into my lane. I hit the brakes hard, [...]