The Neo-70’s-Garage-Retro-80’s movement in music today really steams my pancakes. I was just watching some music videos and I had to stuff paper towels down my throat to keep from having a seizure all over the place. It was not pretty, like both people from the White Stripes, and also that chick from the Yeah [...]

Psych! Whoa, I love how I threw in that catchy, early 90’s lingo to change the momentum of this article right off the bat. In all reality, I used to think hippies were cool until I realized that everything they stand for is like, stupid. Hippies such as John Kerry, the Democratic Presidential Candidate, or [...]

I’ve got to hand it to myself; not only am I totally radical… I still haven’t gone wireless. The other day just out of curiosity, I got online and opened up the websites of every cellphone company there is: Verizon, Nextel, Cingular, T-Mobile, Sprint PCS, VirginMobile, AT&T, and many, many more. Actually that’s it.
After hours [...]

What makes me sick is how militantly gay some gay people are. I mean it’s like they have to force their gayness on you like it’s some kind of fashion statement. Sure, you have the right to do what you want. But you DON’T have the right to take away MY RIGHT to BELIEVE what [...]

How many times in the last three years have you heard a reference to “September 11, 2001,” or “the events” thereof? Too DARN many, that’s how many! I’m sick of people referencing it like it was Pearl Harbor or something. Not like it was practically the same thing… oh, hold on. Anyway that’s besides the [...]

I’ve often wondered why so many adults seem to hold an all-encompassing grudge against the teenage population. But I think I’m finally starting to figure out why. A couple nights ago, a group of them got wasted and bashed in around 80 cars in my neighborhood with golf clubs, including mine. Why, you might ask? [...]

My Cinco de Mayo was moving right along, just like any average day, when out of the blue I ACED my final exam. It was sweet because I finished early so I went out to McDonald’s to celebrate. As I sat out in the beautiful sunshine, sipping my carbonated, artificially-flavored sugar water, and scarfing down [...]

I called up some of my homies to chill, but they were all like “yeah right!” So I went over to Burke Lake for some disc golf practice. If you don’t know what disc golf is, it’s the most phattiest sport in the neighborhood. You take these round, flat objects, called “discs,” and throw them [...]

I was listening to my favorite talk radio station the other day, and the subject of reparitions for slavery came up. One person on the air, who happened to be an African American (surprise), said that if the government gave each black person $100,000 they’d all shut up about slavery and never bring it up [...]

The average person can go about their daily routine and avoid looking like a gigantic freak of nature. I’m not so lucky.
I pulled into my parking space on campus and got out of my car, having just arrived from work on my way to class. As I crossed the street I noticed that a tall, [...]

There is no other explanation for the fact that I’ve lost all motivation to do anything school-related; I have come to a point of no return. Senioritis is the equivalent of Alzheimer’s disease for the college student. I wish I could say that was an exaggeration, but it’s not.
Last Monday night was when the worst [...]

It’s a funny thing about the Library of Congress… they forgot to put BOOKS inside. Last weekend I visited the LOC with a friend; what we found would make a grown man want to pee his pants and become a terrorist. First he would become a terrorist, because all terrorists are bed-wetters. Then every night [...]

I can’t believe how selfish and immature old people can be. Old people are the worst! I’m formulating a hypothesis which states that the older you get, the more perfect you think you are, and therefore the less perfect you think everyone around you is. That’s why so many old people think they have the [...]

My job rules. The building it’s in, doesn’t rule. Right now they’re redoing the 2nd floor, which is where the company is located. There are no bathrooms so you have to take the elevator up or down one floor if you want to get to one. There is a layer of plastic wrap over all [...]

It was two days ago, and two days ago it was. My laundry needed to be done and dontcha know, I was doin it. When I reached into the basket to grab the last handful of smelly, sweat-stained socks, the refrigerator caught my eye. It was pea green, a prime example of a retro 70’s [...]

On a Saturday afternoon not too long ago, I was chizilling on the couch like, fo shizzle. Wayne’s World 2 was on TV, so it was a total score. But just as the movie was getting really way cool I heard a knock at the door. I glanced at the clock; 3:30pm. “Who could it [...]

I noticed a suspicious character several yards in front of me as I was walking out to my car after class last week. I knew my preconceptions were correct when he glanced around to make sure no one was looking, tossed a plastic wrapper on the ground, and stuffed the last of whatever sugar-coated junk [...]

Dude, mouse traps are sweet. I was up late the other night getting some food and when I walked into the kitchen I saw this furry little creature run from the oven to the cabinet in a flash. Realizing what I had to do, I got up underneath the sink and located the extra mouse [...]

Valentine’s Day has got to be the worst holiday since Black Friday. Not unlike Black Friday, Valentine’s Day is all about money. No one goes for the “it’s the thought that counts” excuse anymore. That saying should be changed to “it’s the bling that counts,” or even better, “dolla dolla bill, y’all!”
If you think I’m [...]

Took a trip to the good ol’ supermarket today. Shopper’s Food Warehouse, to be exact. That place kicks so much tail, it’s the best out there for prices, service, and overall quality. However, the amount of money you spend on groceries will only continue to rise while Bush remains in office. Don’t get me wrong, [...]

Yesterday I decided to go to class. Something always goes wrong when I make irrational decisions like that. And two days before tomorrow was no different. At first it seemed the logical thing to do; having just gotten off work, it would have been foolish to drive all the way home and then have to [...]

The Virginia Primaries. Woe is me, terror of all terrors. In other words, crank up the burner to high and attach my face. A sizzling ball of fiery doom for all of us good, rational citizens who don’t believe in tooth fairies, elves, or politics.
John Edwards is a nobody. In election terms, he’s not a [...]

Alright, it’s confession time. I’ve been dealing with this problem for a long while and it’s time I brought it out into the open. I can no longer leave a grocery store without a large quantity of soda pop. Yeah, go ahead and laugh it up. Laugh til you’re blue in the face, ya jerk. [...]

My life is so frickin awesome I decided to throw a huge Super Bowl bash this year. For myself. I got an amazing 3-hour sleep Saturday night, so by 6pm Sunday evening I was running on nothing but long-lasting, minty-fresh breath and a burning desire to see the Patriots get impaled. But the fact that [...]

This morning when I was crossing the polar ice flows to get out to my car, I was thinking about how much cold weather bites a big one, when out of nowhere I slipped and fell, and cracked my head open. As blood began to spurt profusely from various ice-shard wounds I had taken to [...]