I’ve got to hand it to myself; not only am I totally radical… I still haven’t gone wireless. The other day just out of curiosity, I got online and opened up the websites of every cellphone company there is: Verizon, Nextel, Cingular, T-Mobile, Sprint PCS, VirginMobile, AT&T, and many, many more. Actually that’s it.

After hours of painstaking research and of licking my foot constantly due to some uncontrollable urge to taste the residue from the gangrenous patch of flesh behind my left ankle, I came to the conclusion that every company is out to screw you, the consumer. I call it my “bend over and grab your ankles” plan.

But that should come as no surprise, should it? I mean, after all, if they haven’t found a way to love you and leave you in the proverbial gutter of consumerism with endless terms and conditions regarding anytime minutes, night and weekend minutes, long distance, roaming, overage charges, and coverage areas, what good are they?

In reality, you should be thankful you’re getting raped month to month with hidden charges. If they don’t rip you off somehow, they couldn’t afford to provide you with the reliable service that causes you to lose reception, disconnect in the middle of your conversations, and intercept transmissions from alien radio networks.

The worst part about it all is how many commercials these companies put on TV. We’re being turned from a society of muddle-headed numbskulls to a society of muddle-headed numbskulls who repeat stupid crap like “Can you hear me now?” over and over again like it’s the fricking funny Olympics. Personally, I think the Verizon guy probably attempts suicide every time he hears some blithering fool say that phrase. I’m also surprised Catherine Zeta-Jones hasn’t sued T-Mobile for making her look not hot enough on TV. Get more… raped.

If you really stop and think about how much you need your cellphone, you’d realize that you can throw it off a bridge and get rich off the fees you’re currently paying. You could even use the money to fund the US PIRG campaign, these stupid blokes who came to my house the other day asking me for money to stop mercury pollution. Alternatively, you could sponsor a homeless person’s heroin addiction. Either way, your money would be going to better use than it is now.