I noticed a suspicious character several yards in front of me as I was walking out to my car after class last week. I knew my preconceptions were correct when he glanced around to make sure no one was looking, tossed a plastic wrapper on the ground, and stuffed the last of whatever sugar-coated junk it was into his bulging mouth. Noticing my opportunity, I snatched up the wrapper and jogged over to him, tapping him on the shoulder. “I think you dropped this,” I said.

First he gave me the look and then hesitated, finally taking the wrapper slowly. My blood pressure rose as he turned to walk away. It would have been all good, except for no one gives me the look and gets away with it. I performed a bone-shattering sweepkick, knocking him to the ground. He screamed out in anguish as I gut-stomped him multiple times, laughing maniacally. In the end I decided to use my famous judo-throat-chop-headbutt as my finishing move, just so he knew I wasn’t kidding around.

Then I had to take a leak so I stood up and… ha, only kidding.

It’s people like this lame-azoid that should seriously consider never having children. If more people start littering on college campuses, soon we’ll have to go to school in an environment where filth is the daily norm for our nation’s students.

So kids, the lesson of the day is, when you see someone hurting the environment, hurt them! Parents, the lesson of the day is… it wasn’t my fault.