Doctor’s Appointment Gone Wrong
During a routine examination, 81-year-old Susan Bernstein pulled a sawed-off shotgun from her purse and then turned on her physician. She held the doctor at gunpoint and forced him to perform lewd acts, such as hitting himself in the head with one of those little reflex mallet thingies, and yelling into his stethoscope while it was still in his ears.

After nearly three hours, a SWAT team was able to enter the examination room, where they shot Mrs. Bernstein on sight.

“She had it comin,” said an anonymous police officer. “[She] put up some tough resistance - took out two windows before we even got to her. I think in those situations, there’s no question… we had to take that shot.”

Mrs. Bernstein sustained a total of 11 bullet wounds to the head and neck, along with numerous other lacerations to the back, arms, and legs. She will be buried Saturday at St. Joseph’s Cemetary.

The victim, Dr. Mel Rosenthal, said he was glad the police came when they did because “she was about to make me eat a rubber glove.”

An officer later commented, “It’s good to know that we’ve done our job. The streets are safe today.”

The husband of Mrs. Bernstein, Robert, commented to the police that she had been “acting strange” recently. According to Mr. Bernstein, the couple had been denied Medicare within the last month. Investigators say, that could have something to do with it.