FCC Proposes “No Sex Without Violence” Legislation
In a landmark decision following controversy over its recent crackdown on indecency in the media, the Federal Communications Commission has proposed a compromise which will “clear the airwaves” of any disputes over content on television or radio.

“We live in a violent world,” FCC commissioner Michael J. Copps stated to the press in a special meeting on Friday in which he detailed the commission’s plans for a “two to one ratio” of violent acts to sexually explicit ones. “The fines will remain the same,” Copps stated, “but amnesty will be granted if a station recognizes the new ratio and alters its programming accordingly.”

Media personalities were quick in responding to the proposed legislation: “This is an unmitigated outrage,” declared talk show uber-goddess Oprah Winfrey in a private and unscheduled session with President Bush on Saturday. Ms. Winfrey’s outrage came in response to a suggestion by her producers that would call for the editing in of clips from I Spit on Your Grave at five-minute intervals throughout her sexually charged Oprah Winfrey Show. She argues that licensing the 1978 cult classic would result in lost advertising revenue during the times the clips were aired.

President Bush stammered incoherently in a statement that was later translated to “no comment.” In an official press briefing later that day, the Bush team said the President had not yet been programmed with his weekly FCC update, but that he would be prepared for a formal statement as soon as he had finished uploading.

Not all responses were critical ones. Shock jock Howard Stern was quick to express his endorsement of what he called a “wise decision that we can all live with.” Stern, who was facing hefty fines over the content of his radio show, had been threatening to switch to satellite radio if changes weren’t made to facilitate his unique brand of humor.

“I couldn’t have plotted this better myself,” Stern said on Sunday. “Robin and I had been toying with an idea for a few months now on ways to freshen up the show and stay hot in a competitive market. We were afraid this might be going too far, but now that we have the FCC behind us the sky is the limit and it’s all systems go with the new format.”

The “new format” Howard is describing is a completely new set of sound effects ranging from “Kittens Getting Butchered by Chainsaws” on lease from the Taiwanese government, to “Sounds of the Female Circumcision Ritual” taken from a British Broadcasting Commission special on Africa.

And so, despite the civil and corporate outrage, the new regulations are planned for implementation at the beginning of the next quarter. There are many speculations as to how this will affect the media in the long run, but Attorney General John Ashcroft says that any step in this direction is a good one:

“If we are going to expose Americans to explicit material in the media, they should be desensitized enough to watch their mother get turned inside out by a wood chipper. In fact, they should thank us for it!”

On a final side note, Mel Gibson expressed concerns about how these regulations would affect his plans to broadcast his new movie The Passion of the Christ on TBN, USA, and TBS next year. Mr. Gibson asked if he would need to “show Jesus smooching” to follow the new guidelines. He was quickly put at ease when his lawyers assured him that this law would in no way be reciprocal, and that violence for violence’s sake is still protected as every American’s God-given right.