Driving home from work yesterday I happened upon two idiots holding campaign signs on the street corner. “What a couple of societal rejects,” I thought to myself, “slinging signs for the latest crop of worthless politician.” The hand-drawn signs were written on posterboard and said stupid junk like “TIRED oF TRAffIc? VoTE FoR [insert name of politician] oR I’LL KILL yoU WITH THIs sIGN.” Except for the sign-killing part. They were also holding the ‘official’ printed signs for whatever the politician guy’s name was. And they were just standing there.

I have two ideas for people like that. The first is that many years ago they invented thin metal rods that can be attached to signs made out of such substances as plastic and cardboard. These newly crafted instruments can then be stuck into the ground so a parade of morons like you don’t have to hold them up all day. Technology is great and making use of its advances is in your best interests overall, I’d say. They have sticky notes and push pins for the same reason, but you people probably never get any work done because you’re too busy trying to hold eight pieces of looseleaf paper to the wall of your cubicle with each hand.

The second idea I have is that if you cannot find anything more meaningful to do with your time than to hold signs for politicians who could care less about you or your interests, or about anything except getting elected by any means necessary so they can fatten themselves and give $10,000-an-hour inspirational speeches for the rest of their lives, you should go inflict as much pain upon yourself as possible. Here’s an idea: get someone to spot you while you do a bunch of sit-ups. Each time you complete one, have them stab you right in the gut with a butter knife. That kind of behavior builds character and will make you a stronger and more trustworthy person, I guarantee it. Just try it and if you’re not satisfied, let me know.

The fact is that the ONLY people who have the God-given right to stand on street corners holding signs are those dressed as gigantic human-sized hot dogs, hamburgers, tacos or soft drinks. Those people even get paid minimum wage to do that junk, which is more than you sorry garbage slingers can say for yourselves.