Now that my mustache is fully grown, I have become truly spectacular in every way. My dastardly plan to become all-powerful through facial hair is nearly complete.

During my research, I have discovered startling evidence that mustaches exist. The image at right is an original, unaltered frame from the internationally acclaimed smash hit movie “Titanic.” It would appear that someone forgot to shave.

While many female celebrities with mustaches try not to be so careless, when they are caught they often react with hostility. This is especially true when they sport gigantic handle-bar mustachios in public.

It’s upsetting, quite frankly, to see these female mega-stars with such blatant disregard for their personal appearance. However, was Titanic not Kate Winslet’s most successful movie appearance? Is Rosie O’Donnell not a brute lesbian, whose mustache only serves to cement her reputation as one of the hollywood elite woman-lovers?

As you can see, (unless you’re blind) the proof is overwhelming that I added digital stubble to the images above so it would appear that the women pictured have real facial hair. Nonetheless, Kate, Rosie, and many other famous chicks can only wish that their careers could benefit from the kind of sparkle and pizzazz that mustaches provide.

In the third and final installment of this article, I’ll finally take you through the actual day-by-day development of my whiskers, complete with photographic documentation.

And at last, I will reveal the secret substance that you, too, can use to grow an extremely thick and in-style blanket for your upper lip, which will aid you in your neverending quest to emulate my every action and continue your life-long dedication to becoming exactly like me.