After many moons, the long-awaited and highly anticipated third part of the “Growing Out the ‘Stache” series is here. Well, I’m not sure about the “awaited” or the “anticipated” part. But it sure is long, and I definitely must’ve been high when I thought of the idea. Anyway, this is all about great big mustachios and the people who wear them, so let’s get down to bid’ness.

All the secrets you need to know in order to grow the thickest, fullest mustache you’ve ever seen in your life are finally about to be revealed. It does not matter whether you are tall or short, male or female, skinny or lard-y. Anyone can grow a pimpin’ mustache of hair, simply by eating right, exercising, and most importantly, smoking two packs a day.

What you might find startling are the gratuitous close-up shots of my upper lip. And you’d be right. They are pretty startling, even for me. But even in their most shudder-inducing and pixelated quality, they illustrate the truly inspiring ability with which, after months of training, I am able to concentrate the forces of my spiritual and bodily energy into growing facial hair at an alarming rate.

Hour 1	Hour 2	Hour 3	Hour 4	Hour 5	Hour 6

These photos prove the undeniable fact that over a course of merely six short hours of prayer and meditation, I’m basically transformed into Sampson from the bible. Except without the super-human strength and big muscles. I don’t think Sampson could grow his hair out really fast either. But still.

At the end of this time, with just one shave per hour, I’m left with the most beautiful, curly stache this side of the French Riviera.

And I’ll bet you’ve been wondering this whole time what the secret ingredient is that you can consume to make your hair grow faster. Well, it’s a liquid which, when ingested in bulk, can work wonders for hair growth. But not just facial hair, oh no my friend! Drinking at least a litre and a half of this substance per day will have your back hair springing to life, sprouting like a lush garden in springtime.

And now, the moment you’ve been longing after for longer than you can remember. The magical elixir is none other than your average, everyday… HOT SAUCE! Yep, that’s right. Why do you think Mexicans are so hairy?