As the weather warms and your wintery fatty acids begin to broil under the UV rays of God’s tanning lamp, young and old gather to fight the battle of the bulge. Now before you go join them in their clamber for a six pack, be warned: the type of people who like to pump themselves up at your fitness facility may turn your spring fever into a murderous fervor. Here are a few particularly dangerous characters to watch out for.

1.) The Lurker - This man or woman typically has beady eyes, long spindly fingers, and the posture of a Transylvanian butler, and can be seen scavenging around for available machines. Their intense black-eyed glares make them stare masters as they attempt to ask how much time you have left on your stair master.

Even though Lurkers look busy while waiting, stretching or sneaking a sip of blood from a decapitated cat they have neatly concealed in their gym bag, they are always close enough to pounce upon your departure, even before you get a chance to clean off the sweaty remnants of your physical exertion. When no one is looking they lick up your sweat puddles to analyze the DNA for the potential of cloning you and creating a gigantic army of evil cyborgs.

2.) The Sorority Girl - “I had three carrots and a mustard packet today! AHH!” Adorned in ass-revealing booty shorts, three pounds of clown makeup, and a yellowed sports bra for which her only excuse is “oops, I forgot to put on a shirt,” the Sorority Girl does not come to the gym to work out. She comes to the gym to do girly screams and to create the illusion of sweat by splashing water onto her face and body. She flails her arms while pretend-head-bob jogging, and flaunts the fact that she will never go out with you even if you can bench press that Lamborghini she’s always wanted. The muscle she works most, however, is her mouth, which serves no purpose but to make your ears wish they were bleeding so they wouldn’t have to hear. The worst part about the Sorority Girl is that she almost never comes alone.

3.) The Pissed off and Red Person - This person should definitely avoid having baseball bats or any sharp objects around children, but often doesn’t. Even the Lurker knows not to go near their machine. Methods of communication are limited to brute grunts and angry-looking facial expressions.

In their former lives they were field hockey players and rugby aficionados, but now that they have lost their kneecap three times and aren’t allowed in certain gyms since they destroyed expensive equipment with a chainsaw, their parole officer said it might be best to workout three hours a day on sissy, low impact machines. This, however, makes them angry… so angry that their faces take on a permanent crimson tinge. The good part about the Pissed Off and Red Person is that they are easily avoided as long as you don’t walk around within their line of sight.

4.) That extremely sweaty guy - I don’t even want to get into it…

5.) The Competitive One - Hide your workout statistics! This pompous fiend will try to top your every callisthenic step. The Competitive One is extremely difficult to distinguish without a plethora of gym experience. Generally, the CO gives themselves away by always smiling at you when you look at them. Not a friendly smile, but a sly, conniving, “I’m working better, faster, and harder than you” kind of smile. It’s best to trip or push the Competitive One strategically into the personal space of the Pissed Off and Red Person while he or she is attempting to execute a difficult lift.

Now that I have sufficiently warned you, hopefully it will be easy to identify how to avoid people that will make your workout more excruciating than it already is. I, however, am investing in a personal gym.