Psych! Whoa, I love how I threw in that catchy, early 90’s lingo to change the momentum of this article right off the bat. In all reality, I used to think hippies were cool until I realized that everything they stand for is like, stupid. Hippies such as John Kerry, the Democratic Presidential Candidate, or “the Old Oak Tree,” as I like to call him in reference to his face, are making this world more horrifying every day.

For example, John Kerry has vowed to stop the war in Iraq. First of all, war is the best. People who oppose war are the same kinds of people who do yoga, wear sarong skirts, and can’t stop smoking that wacky weed. These are the people who chain themselves to trees that are about to be cut down by heavy machinery. They speak out in favor of abortion (read: legal murder) and then whine all day about how eating animals is a crime.

On a side note, I’d like to point out that there are only two purposes for the existence of animals: to entertain me, and to nourish my hot bod. As Dave Chapelle might say: Old McDonald had a Quarter Pounder With Cheese, b***h!

Now I just want to make it clear that I’m not advocating war as a means to solve all our problems. Wait, let me re-phrase that. Yes I am. Besides, everyone knows that Bush was just using “Weapons of Mass Destruction” as a temporary decoy in place of “Let’s Kick Saddam’s Ass!” I, for one, am glad he did. G-Unit W. Bush is a pure playa who gets crunk and knows how to shake an embarrassing polaroid picture of Saddam when he was captured, like a polaroid picture.

The truth is, there’s a little bit of hippie inside all of us, except for the best of us.