I can’t wait till I get really old and decrepit. I know it sounds pretty sick, but I’ve been studying old people for several years and have decided to go into my senileness unprecedented by any other old fogies. There are a couple steps I must take before I get old, however, so that I can achieve such an amazing feat.

First of all I need to grow a tremendous amount of arm fat. The arm fat will be so potent that it will be noted for its ability to suffocate children and large wild animals, and it will also be considered hazardous in numerous states and international provinces including Nebraska, Illinois, Washington, Missouri, Vermont, and Estonia.

Children will hide from it, grown men will run from it, horror movies will be based on it, and I will be able to kill multiple deer populations with my large trans-fatty acids, feeding several villages in 3rd world countries in the process. This will be beneficial for people both in the United States, since no one likes those dang deer, and in the food-needing countries. Simple movements such as waving, however, will be hazardous to my face and several other pedestrians.

And this is only the beginning! Next I will live on the front porch of my house with a rocking chair and a shotgun… yes it does sound typical, however I have a twist. My lawn will be manicured and maintained with the utmost proficiency, calling to local school children to come out and play. There will be the newest and most amazing toys on the lawn so that every child will be lured into my beautiful death trap! Wahahaha!

Mistrust for grandmas has always been evident in literature, including Hansel and Gretel, Little Red Riding Hood, and Snow White. I will work hard to continue this fear. Upon entering my beautiful lawn, the children will be shot at with blanks. It will teach them proper manners while giving me great entertainment. Living under the guise of blindness, I will be able to get away with it. They never take grandmas to jail!

Lastly, I will hit on teenage boys, just to freak them out and give them stories to tell their friends. Everyone loves the tale about the old freaky fat-armed woman throwing out a dirty line to a young stud. I’ve even brainstormed a couple:

1.) Boy you must be Herbal Essence because you are giving me the urge!

2.) You want to help me put something in my oven?

3.) I was going to take my vitamins, but can I take you instead?

4.) Call me Sarah Lee, because nobody does it like I do! Lend me some shuga honey!

Mind you I will have no teeth, a sweltering arm mass, and probably cataracts, so I’ll be super hot! Other than that I plan on wearing bikinis, baking masses of cookies, talking dirty, starting fist fights, and enjoying the company of young men trying to win my inheritance. Oh… hooray for being senile.