Impinging on boredom, my best friend and I decided to stop wasting time and try to become pop culture icons. At first it seemed as easy as becoming a college sorority girl; all we had to do was send in a video to a company and SHABAM - we would become cultural icons.

So we started our foolhardy plan with hopes feeling as high as an oxygen-deprived goat, and a box of crispy, creamy, Krispy Kreme donuts in hand. We decided the best way to attain our pop culture status was to illustrate the several different ways to eat or use a Krispy Kreme. These included:

1.) Using the Krispy Kreme as an infant’s floatation device (poor baby…)

2.) Proposing marriage with the donuts, only to be rejected and then have the ring stolen (tragic, eh? My poor friend has never recovered from this experience)

3.) Pretending we were donut angels

Now, word to the wise… just because you send in an awesome rocking video to a company like Krispy Kreme doesn’t mean they will receive it. It’s been about a year and the CEOs of Krispy Kreme still haven’t contacted us. That probably means this awesome video got lost in the hub-bub of postal service antics along with the shotgun rounds. Curses! The lesson of this story is to always make a backup copy.

My friend and I have since tried to recreate our masterpiece, since it was so viciously stolen and kidnapped from the public eye. The public yearns for Krispy Kreme commercials! Some people have suggested (mind you, these people have no conception of the great art that we created) that perhaps the company had received our video and decided that it sucked.

First off… these people suck. They’re the kind of people who squeeze their toothpaste from the middle of the tube and sympathize with Michael Jackson. Not that I’m bitter… but anyhow there is no possible way, in retrospect, that our video could have failed in representing the modern day pop culture icon. After deliberating greatly with outside research and many emails to Jared the Subway guy, the Pepsi Girl, the Dell Guy, and the Energizer Bunny, I came to the following conclusions:

1.) You have to epitomize the following altered army slogan: be the most annoying person you can be. Case in point: Jared the Subway guy. No one likes Jared. His marketing ploy sucks. I mean who wants to eat when someone is holding out their humongous pants? Hungry anyone?

For more humorous information and great analysis about Jared go here.

2.) Make sure that people hate you enough that they would want to subjugate you to bodily harm. If they don’t want to slowly dismember you with a wooden spoon, cover you with paper cuts, pour lemon juice on you, and then set you on fire, you aren’t going to be a good pop icon. Case in point: Pepsi Girl.

3.) You have to achieve cult-like status.

4.) Lastly, you have to endure forever, making sure people can never get rid of you despite their attempts to flog and annihilate you. Case in point: The energizer bunny. The darn thing keeps going and going. You can propel rocket launchers, shoes, or human esophoguses at the thing and it will just keep going. It’s unstoppable and unedible and will forever haunt your memory.

Although there are many other important factors that help make a successful pop culture icon, I’ve provided a couple to get you started. It’s important that all these requirements be met or else you might be doomed to failed stardom. As you are working on your campaign, I’ll be searching through different post offices. Oh you all better watch out! Krispy Kreme here I come!