I love McDonalds. I’m not talking about the word as if it were some flimsy “looking to the stars and sighing” type love either. I’m talking collect the nail clippings, take a picture while they aren’t looking, and light candles type of love. There is something about the word McDonalds that causes my heart to beat faster, my cholesterol to instinctively rise, and my brain to gyrate with thoughts of clogged arteries.

The ambiance of McDonalds is unparalleled by any fine dining establishment. A golden M sparkles, betraying the oasis in the distance whilst the salty, greasy scent wavers lingeringly in the crisp winter breeze, welcoming you to a warm place of happiness, ball pits, and clowns. Let me tell you, I’m lovin’ it…it makes me smile…and I do believe in magic. Like the magical night my boyfriend served me a covered silver platter hiding arches of gold. To my delight, a #6 with cheese. It was a dream come true!

My addiction is so strong, in fact, that I’ve considered springing for the “trans-fatty acids patch” available at your local supermarket and located by the “addicted to turkey patch” that helps you quit “cold turkey” (thanks Jonnie). If you look at the wide assortment of patches, one begins to wonder why more patches do not exist. And it also makes you wonder why pirates wear eye patches…

Well anyhow, I’ve decided to give up Mcdonald’s for Lent. It’s such a tough sacrifice that maybe someone will give me high fives. To tell you the truth, I’ll probably end up frequenting Taco Bell and Burger King.

To overcome my addiction I’ve prepared 7 steps to stop my cravings. Perhaps this will help others who need to overcome their terrific love for fast food.

1.) First cry…a lot…you will be in 40 days of pain

2.) Admit you have a McDonald’s addiction. This is the toughest part. So while you are scarfing down the white meat chicken McNuggets (weren’t they ALWAYS white?) you need to think to yourself…woah this is a habit of mine!

3.) Start weening yourself off of McDonalds from three times a day to two, etc. I know it’s super hard but just imagine someone giving you high fives.

4.) Recognize the weird things you do to make up the addictive loss. This isn’t constructive whatsoever, but it will make you laugh at yourself in the future (or cry at the memory of pain). I’ve personally caught myself making French fry shapes from my carrots and collecting the thrown away fry boxes to allow my trashcan to feel normal.

5.) Stop writing love letters to Ronald McDonald. Not that I do this…but just so you know he’s never going to respond… he’s a clown. He’s laughing at you!

6.) Stop imagining yourself hanging out with the Hamburgler and make some real friends. This by far will be the toughest part for me.

7.) Be happy… you can still technically eat McDonalds on Sunday!

Although merely working at McDonalds would provide you with sufficient reason never to dine there again, I would rather go through this process and become a stronger person. But hey… do you know where I can find a Wendy’s around here?