Listen, I don’t want any of your stupid junk. Stop telling me what I need, if I ever want any of your worthless, over-priced merchandise I’ll find somewhere to get it cheaper. I’ve been listening to the radio and realize now that there is no such thing as a good commercial. The only decent ones are the ones that are so funny you laugh really hard, rupture a blood vessel in your brain, and forget all about what they were trying to sell in the first place.

Seriously, when was the last time you went out and bought a car because you saw a particularly convincing commercial? Sure, some may be effective, but they’re ALL annoying and they take up 8 minutes of your life for every 30 minutes you spend watching TV. That’s why I’ve decided not to get overpriced cable television at my new place. I figure my time is better spent listening to awesome mystical crap like Enya and Yanni and meditating about how to save manatees in the rain forest and preserve the sanctity of the wise and sacred platypus of the Alaskan wilderness.

Since I stopped watching TV, I’m becoming more in tune with nature, and more in touch with my spiritual side. I can now close my eyes and kick the crap out of anyone I choose from any direction. I’m like a Mexican version of the karate kid, except I rock out more. I even tried this technique out on a few people of Middle Eastern descent, and found that it ruled quite nicely. I was able to double spin kick this one guy so hard that I kicked him all the way back to bible times.

It’s not easy being so amazingly milk-alicious, but I can tell you that the lack of commercials in my life has given me a new-found vim and vigor that had been beaten out of me over the years by endless cheesy sales pitches and crappy jingles. From now on I plan to rule face so much, and just be plain the awesome and eat all the time.

The preceding story had little to do with much, but it nonetheless was amazingly true and enlightening.