So being the fanatical DC United fan I am(???), I went to the first pro soccer game I’ve ever been to, we got tickets with the support crews, squad, gang, fans, freaks, and nutcases. The next time I go I might sit back a few rows in the back… the seats were sweet we were right behind one of the goals at a slight angle. Now I don’t know if you know anything about soccer fans, but they can be crazy nuts especially when they are drunk. Now me being who I am, I don’t drink and so I just decide I’m just gonna scream and act like a nutcase, and I really don’t need anything to assist me in freaking out and screaming at the top of my lungs for long periods of time…alright so here’s my story….

After screaming for the entire first half with a drum half the size of the dwarf planet Pluto directly behind me, I will admit I was beginning to tire, but I was unrelenting in my pursuit of true fanaticism in support of the local DC United. So they call halftime right and it just so happens that the opposing team the LA Galaxy are walking right by us and keep in mind we’re in this whole section of people freaking out and waving United flags all around… actually this one Spanish dude right next to me was jumping up and down on the seats the entire time and I actually think he almost passed out a few times, he was like freaking and then would slunch over almost falling and then he would “wake” up and start freaking out again and nobody even knew who he was! Anyway… so the players of the Galaxy walk by and everybody is screaming at them and I’m just screaming for screaming’s sake and then the coaches walk by and me having the brilliant mind that I have decide to get the coaches with the ///O game, you know when you hold your index finger and thumb in a circle and you stick your three fingers out and you try and get people to look at it and it also has to be below your waist… so I’m screaming and doing the hand game and all is well and so I get another good idea to get the ball girls walking by also (and she did look by the way muahaha). All the while there is a sudden increase in activity by the security and the coaches didn’t leave the field through the dugout and I hear something about a black hat and I being me was wearing my black hat, but I think little of it, but it’s obvious that they are about to get somebody for something, so Matt and I continue to enjoy ourselves with screaming and mass amounts of laughter.

Meanwhile, a security dude is walking up the stairs where we are and thennnn dun dun dunnnnnnn he turns into our row and says to me “you’re going to have to come with me.” As it turns out the coach had “identified” me as the person who threw coins at him. First of all, I have no money to my name right now, secondly if I had change I wouldnt waste it on someone like that and that’s not cool to throw change at strangers unless they are asking for it, literally, and thirdly if I were him I would pick up the change and be on my merry way just a few cents richer, but being the meanface that he is/was, he made a big to do and was going to get me kicked out of the game. So immediately at the accusations from the security dude I defended myself and denied any of it because it just wasn’t true to any extent, but arguing would get me nowhere so I comply and go with the people escorting me out.

All the while I’m getting taken away I am extremely gleeful in my situation but everyone with the “La Norte” as they are called was freaking out at the fact that their new fearless and courageous leader was being taken from their presence. I tried to calm them, but it just wasn’t doing much because of the passion in their sorrow. At one point Juan began to throw a baby at the head of security!! At this time I had to silence everyone and bring peace to the stadium of 30,000 angry fans, and I at once told the security to take me away before it got out of hand…

Ok that short paragraph isn’t quite true, but anyways, I comply and they take me onto the main field and I’m walking out in front of thousands and it was so awesome, at no point did I get angry, well until later that is… and the security guy was cool, he was just doing his job because they do have freaks throwing stuff and being jerks and so I wasn’t about to represent myself in such a negative way, so i wasn’t sweating it. The guy takes my information and thanks me for being cool and cooperative about all of it and I just say “its all good” because well it was all good, but then as I was escorted out of the gate, I ask if I can at least keep my ticket for a souvenir and he says “no” and I say “yes” and then he says “NO” and I say “YES” and he says “NO!!!” and I say “NO!!!” and he says “YES!!!” and he says “hold on a second young man, you tricked me” and then I say “yes, I did, but you said yes so you have to give it back” he doesn’t fall for this little Jedi mind trick, so I yank the ticket out of his hand and run for the field!! As I’m running there are about 42 people chasing me onto the field and I hear someone scream “GET ZE HELICOPTA!!!” and I realize “oh crap!!!” its The Governator himself and I had no idea he was in town, but already commited to my escape I continue for the field, with sounds of Apache helicopters close behind. I run to the field in anticipation of scoring my goal, at this time the halftime show was going on and little kids were playing in front of everybody, and I see the ball in all its shiny glory awaiting my Samba kick. I steal it from this little kid with bi-focals and a Limp Bizkit shirt and I run for the goal, jooking out 11 and 12 year olds all over the place, pushing, shoving, kicking, punching, whipping, slapping and stiff arming my way to the goal. As I look back before my glorious goal I see a field of laid out kids and 732 blue coats coming for me and I SHOOT!!! BUT!!!! I looked up at the helicopter before I kicked and I kicked it over the tiny goal into the crowd behind and I see a lady get hit in head, and it just so happened she was in LABOR!! Oh no!!!! I thought to myself. I run over there to help and to also get my ball and score before the 732 blue coats get me, so long labor short I deliver the baby while fighting off 732 people, I mean imagine you have to run around with a big pregnant woman and jook people out at the same time, oh and also all the kids I had previously knocked out were now conscious and were coming for me also, but by grace I got out alive with no charges filed because I saved the life of a baby who belonged to the head coach of the LA Galaxy. They will be holding a parade in my honor on September 23rd, 2006, and President Bush and The Governator talked and got it amended, yes amended!! As a National Holiday of Pecker Bailey, so, you’re welcome world for a paid day off in my honor, it was all a good day at RFK stadium, one that I shall never forget, thank you DC United… I salute you.