I feel the need to share my thoughts on a tragic and unfortunate event which transpired recently: the marriage of pasty-white actress/ghoul Renee Zellweger to grossly over-rated country music star Kenny Chesney. What a disaster.

When I first heard the news, I lit my nose hair on fire and ran screaming off the third floor balcony of my office building. Thank goodness I was wearing a child-proof leash around my neck.

The main reason I find this marriage so disappointing is because every girl I know is in love with Kenny Chesney. Even the ones who don’t like country music, and the ones who don’t like music at all, would pop out Chesney’s mutant cow-babies like gumballs at the first chance they got.

After all, with hit tunes like “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy,” who wouldn’t want to be with a man whose music is so meaningful; such a profound influence on our culture and times today? The fact is that even though the guy is a waste, he could do much better than her.

Renee Zellweger is a celery stick of a human being, the epitomy of being way too fricking skinny. The fact that she put on twenty or thirty pounds for both Bridget Jones films means she’s thin by choice, not because she can’t gain weight. If she wants to look good, all she has to do is get back into her Bridget form and quit bathing in chalk.

My point is that while I am usually opposed to divorce, I believe it should be allowed in cases of infidelity, abuse, or if you accidentally marry a member of the undead legion.