It’s a funny thing about the Library of Congress… they forgot to put BOOKS inside. Last weekend I visited the LOC with a friend; what we found would make a grown man want to pee his pants and become a terrorist. First he would become a terrorist, because all terrorists are bed-wetters. Then every night he would soak his mattress down to the last spring. Or if he had one of those space mattresses, it wouldn’t work anymore because he pissed on it so much. That’s how messed up it really is. Think about it: how many people can you actually say you know that have been inside the Library of Congress? If you answered “none,” you win.

First we tried to walk in through the main entrance, but it was locked. Figures, since they don’t really let anyone in besides Senators and top secret government scientists and double agents. So we went around the side to what is known as the “basement,” a nice diversion the government created to get the mind of the general public off of research. After they scan you and run your belongings through metal detectors (which are actually food detectors so the people who work there can claim it as contraband so they don’t have to starve as a result of their underpaid government jobs), you go into a beautiful room filled with marble hallways and sweeping arched ceilings.

I instantly lost all recollection of books, research, and my name. We walked down the hall and found several auditoriums and locked doors. We took another hallway back through the building, where there were supposed to be “reading rooms.” Too bad you have to bring your own stuff to read. We ended up wandering down grand, wonderfully decorated hallways in search of a shelf, a book, or even a tiny shred of what was once a page. Each of the heavy wooden doors we passed was locked tightly and marked with a number. G24… G25… G36…

Finally, we found an unmarked door that was open. A spiral service staircase wound upward as far as the eye could see. Forget this ’staying in unrestricted areas’ garbage, I thought. We closed the door and darted up the stairs, winding around and around as we climbed higher. At each floor level we came to a door, but decided to keep going. Eventually we found ourselves wandering around through massive rooms and hallways, hoping no one would be there with a gun. If we just ran we could escape, but if they had a gun they might take out one of our kneecaps and that would totally suck because then we might have to drag the other person along until they died of blood loss. And by then the security guards would have already caught up with you.

Don’t believe the lies your government tells you; there is no collection of the world’s largest set of books and periodicals. It’s all a myth and it never existed in the first place. Besides, everyone knows the internet is the best source for completely true, unbiased information, written by the foremost authorities on the sciences, the arts, humanities, and lots of other important junk like that. So keep using Google to do all your research, genius. I know I will.