Mark this day down in history! Today is the day I no longer have to gruel tirelessly on x variables, solve equations that don’t seem to have a purpose in real life, or sit for hours at a time staring at some formula a weirdo made up to make life harder. Yes, Oh yes that fateful day has come! I no longer have to take math! Now, we are all subjugated to the torture and mayhem caused by this concept called “math” and if you don’t understand that this is torture you are/were:

a.) Not loved enough as a child (I forgive you)

b.) In denial due to the many demands that society puts on you, you would
rather live in the imaginary world of numbers than ever have to live in this SICK SAD EXISTENCE!

c.) OR You need human contact now!

Seriously! I mean how do you relate problems like this into your everyday life?

1.) Two trains are on the same track running in opposite directions. Train A is moving at a rate of 67 mph whereas Train B is running at 79.12 mph. The trains are 5 hours away from each other. What distance are these trains away from each other?

Okay first off, who cares? The trains are going to crash! I don’t think this should be the main preoccupation of the passengers. I think the main concern would not be calculating the distance before crash, but rather jumping off the death wagon. Shouldn’t the first question be who the heck created this stupid track and why he/she is such an imbecile? Being an imbecile he/she probably will be unable to answer your question and promptly should be executed. Now here is a true math problem…how many bullets does it take to pound rounds into this jerk’s head? Answer: depends on your amount of angst.

2.) Suppose that the decibel level in a factory one afternoon was well described by S(t)= t^3/3-5t^2/2+21t/4-65/24, where t is the number of hours since noon. What percentage of the time between noon and 5 was the sound level increasing?

Now I will surprise you all with the not commonly known fact that I LOVE calculating decibel level percentages from 12-5 in my spare time. I also have fun with writing fan letter mail to Hanson, touching old people’s feet, and watching Olsen Twins Videos (all sources of torture if you don’t catch my sarcasm)! My favorite activity, however, is calculating the decibel level. Where do people come up with these sorts of questions? Do they not have lives? Do they ever wonder why people aren’t friends with them? My point is that math can be fun, but people massacre it. I remember in tenth grade when on Valentine ’s Day we made each other love triangles instead of the standard red construction paper hearts, and the perverts made references to bisecting angles (yeah I was a big dork and laughed at math jokes)…those were funny and informative learning situations that enhanced everyday math definitions while creating a fun learning environment! You could make math more fun by making entertaining and relevant situations. For example: George has 3 grams of crack. George’s alter ego has 251,000 more kg of crack. George’s other schizophrenic personality obtained 120 times more last night. If jail sentences are based on the rate of one year per 6.7 grams of crack you have, how long will George be in jail?

Not only does this problem show the consequences of smoking crack, but it introduces schizophrenia and alter egos as mental problems in society. It also involves conversion of grams to kilograms. The true answers, however, are that George would get off with minimal charges because he’s insane, but watch all those poor children try to get their math done. It will intrigue students and teach them many lessons in a single problem including math is pointless…there are more important things to worry about like how to become invisible by bending light rays the social implications of ginger snaps in the 19th century!

And now all I have to say is that I’m done…I am done!!!