I think we can all agree that since the introduction of the minivan, it has been nothing but a plague upon our society. Now you can throw out the owner’s manual that came with your minivan (you know, the brand fricking new one in your glove box that you’ve never touched). I’ve written a new manual that is significantly shorter and which applies to everyone who owns and drives a minivan of any year, make, or model.

Chapter 1: The Dashboard
If you are unsure how something works, try it a few times. Chances are you’ll get it eventually unless you’re a stupid moron. First turn everything on, including your radio/cd player, headlights, air conditioning or heater, windshield wipers, etc. You shouldn’t have to bother turning these things on and off EVERY time you get in. It’s a minivan, for crying out loud. It should drive itself.

When you have successfully powered on everything you possibly can, you can insert the keys into the ignition and turn on the engine. This process will insure that the overall life of your battery is shortened while allowing maximum aural and visual distraction to surround you at all times.

Chapter 2: The Interior
Were you wondering why the carpet and upholstery are cheap and look like butt? Don’t worry, we did this on purpose. This is because your brats will spill all kinds of crap on them and leave sticky, gooey wrappers and other vomit and excrement everywhere during the course of your ownership.

Chapter 3: How Your Minivan Works
NEVER, EVER, under any circumstances should you look under the hood, touch anything under the hood, or even attempt to think about what could be under the hood. This is none of your business; you don’t know anything about cars, and you sure as hell don’t have the sense to learn a few things so you can save some money in the long run.

Leave this to a trained professional who can tell you exactly the most expensive things that are wrong with your car. That way you’ll be sure to be shamboozled out of tons of cash on inspection days (a.k.a. the only time you ever bring ‘er into the shop).

Chapter 4: Vehicle Operation
Driving your minivan can be difficult, especially during those all too frequent moments when you have to reach back and give the kids a dose of the ol’ Fists of Fury. However, safety does come first, and as the proud owner of this automobile we hope you’ll take the following pointers with you on the road.

How to Change Lanes - look in your mirror to view the lane you wish to move into. If there is a car next to you, turn the steering wheel quickly to one side and then back again in a “swerving” motion to let the other driver know that you intend to move into their lane. Wait until he or she slows down and then signal, using the right signal for a left turn and vice versa. After you have changed lanes, it is important to leave the turn signal on for at least five minutes to let everyone behind you know that you have just changed lanes.

Turning - always stay in the lane farthest away from the turning lane you wish to enter until the last second. Someone could cut you off and make you mad, causing your children to cry and scream even louder. Follow the “How to Change Lanes” section above and repeat as many times as necessary to reach your desired turning lane. Once you are safely in your lane, leave as much room as you can between yourself and the car in front of you. If they were to move in reverse suddenly, you wouldn’t want to be too close! This also gives you the most room to maneuver in an emergency, and will cause the cars behind you to become backed up onto the main lanes of traffic.

Adjusting Your Speed - no matter what the situation or how badly you may want to, never travel at less than twenty miles per hour below the speed limit. Safety is an issue, yes, but going too slow may cause other drivers to use aggressive techniques which can frighten you and cause your children to scream even louder still, if that was possible. Staying near the posted speed limit will make you safe while pissing other drivers off only enough to inconvenience them, but not enough to cause a serious crash. If you want to change your speed, the best thing to do is to either press the brakes as hard as you can or press the gas pedal in a similar manner. You’ll be able to avoid hitting other cars by stopping more quickly and speeding up more quickly to get out of harm’s way!

Chapter 5: Troubleshooting
If a device on your dashboard, control panel, or steering wheel becomes inoperative, it’s probably because you tried to use it without knowing how, and you broke it. Idiot. There is nothing we can do. If you hear any strange noises such as crumpling, screeching, crackling, humming, rattling, scraping, or anything that sounds like metal-on-metal, ignore it. It will probably go away soon.

Chapter 6: Closing
We hope you have found this Owner’s Manual helpful, and we know that by using the tips and techniques outlined above your false sense of safety will overwhelm you to the point of blissful ignorance in no time. Remember: driving is like your relationship with a child; the less attention you pay to it, the more time you’ll have to do other things.