I was sifting through some cds during my stint at the radio station and came across a beloved childhood character, Tiny Tim. If you are unfamiliar with Tiny Tim he’s not a character in any Dickens novel, but a flashy redheaded carnie who enjoyed popularity from his songs “Tip Toe through the Tulips”, “I Love Me” and my newly acquired all time personal fav “She Gave me Herpes.”

Tiny Tim is known not only for his amazing lyrics, but also for his televised marriage to 17 year-old Miss Vicki, their child Tulip (named after his amazing song), his star role in a horror movie called Blood Harvest, his obsession with hair color, and lastly his fascination with moisturizers. In fact, here is a picture of the man behind the music.

If a redheaded, ukulele-playing freak can become famous by singing about tulips and herpes then I should be set! I’ve set up the entire business model by examining the market. From my investigations there has never been an all white Motown band which, I find, is a tragedy. Therefore, four of my closest gal pals and I have decided to form The Caucasians, a soulful group of shimmy shaking, wailing WASPs with attitude.

Since there are five of us, perhaps we will be analogous to the Spice Girls and each have personas. Now, I realize we do not possess the panache that accompanies a carnie who plays the ukulele, but I’m working on it. I have been busy coming up with titles for our new songs, a logo, and some hot dance moves that will entice the masses to support our artistic effort. Upon much thought and contemplation we each decided this band should cover educational topics such as geological delta formations, Napoleon, and how Virginia Woolf novels suck.

Hopefully through our educational Motown effort we will be able to teach children the benefits of avoiding drugs, or maybe we could just scare them by saying drugs will make them turn out like Tiny Tim. Though this man of wisdom has left this earth, he is still teaching us. I will finish my rant in a moment of silence and reflection on a man who demonstrated so many life lessons.

“Mr. Gasoline man, please
give me some gas
My tank is almost empty,
so fill it fast
If you will just fill her up
I promise you this…
I’ll put a tulip in your hair
and blow you a kiss
Let’s tiptoe to the gas pump
and fill her up
Give me all you got ‘til I scream
I’ve had enough
Everybody clap your hands
and sing in harmony
Come tiptoe to the gas pump with me”

–Tiny Tim’s
“Tiptoe to the Gas Pump with Me”