For those of you who might not live in Northern Virginia, or any part of the D.C. metro area, I’ve comprised a short description in hopes that this will deter you from even the slightest whim or desire to move here.

The first thing you should know is that everyone in Northern Virginia is a rich pompous jerk. We all drive around in our $50,000 cars just looking for trouble. Even if our cars didn’t cost $50,000, they might as well have because we’re so pompous, so you better not get in our way and make us late. In fact I think most of us would just as soon mow down a gaggle of innocent pedestrians and leave them bleeding in the street as be late to whatever all-important locale we’re on our way to.

Speaking of driving, the only place worse than here is New York City during rush hour. Soccer moms literally lean out of their SUVs and strangle you to death if you don’t get out of their way fast enough. I’ve even seen a few of them threaten people with home-made pipe bombs, mail order grenades and other high explosives.

The sad part is you think I’m kidding.

Moms around here already have to deal with the sucky roads that can’t hold all the cars of all the people who have migrated here in the past twenty years. Then on top of that they’re bitter because their husbands have to work 350 hours a week to pay for their gigantic mansions, and the spoiled, screaming brats who live in them. If I was a mom, I’d experiment with dangerous explosives too.

Too bad the only thing pimpin’ about NoVa is that it’s so close to D.C. But even that totally sucks because D.C. is where everyone WORKS, so no one wants to go there for fun! The ones that do usually get arrested by the cops for looking suspicious, since no one walks around D.C. late at night. And if you’re wearing a hooded sweatshirt and carrying a duffel bag filled with cans of spraypaint, you’re even more screwed.