Have you ever been out with friends, like at a party, a club or a movie, and thought everything was fine for the whole night, only to find out later that some messed up junks went down? Like, mad stupid stuff that happened that you had no idea about? Allow me to explain.

About a month ago my band played a show at this bar/grill place up in Maryland. Being a bar, there were the obligatory drunk people hanging out, the majority of which happened to be old women on this particular night. While we were playing people got out on the floor and were dancing, and several times this extremely intoxicated woman would come up to us and attempt to rape whichever one of us was the closest. Now don’t get me wrong; this would’ve been okay if she were any one of the super-hot waitresses/hostesses that worked there. They were all hot as anything, as in melt-the-floor-she-walks-on hot. Not unlike my girlfriend, who would probably cause the whole joint to burst into flames just by looking at it. Yeah, she’s that super-hot. Sucks for you.

Anyway, back to my story. Too bad this lady was an old hag, eh? I swear I thought I was going to have to put my guitar down mid-song and execute a Dragon kick to the throat. So at the time I thought that this attempted raping (and by raping I mean dancing right up on us) was as far as it went. But apparently, this woman had a special thing for David, our drummer. Now David is a sexy, sexy man, so I can see exactly why she wanted some ons. But this old witch was like seriously harassing him, being like “I want you!” and trying to get him to kiss her and sit on her lap and probably take her right there on the table for all I know. What a wench.

Of course David is a stud who doesn’t fraternize with butt-ugly women, so naturally it took him less than a second to get her in a choke hold and let the rest of the patrons take cheap shots on her for the next fifteen minutes. Showed her. The point of my story is this: I JUST found out about this excessive harassment today after band practice, when we were all talking about our gig there next week. So now my life sucks because I’m scared to go back there and get hit on by old ladies. I’m telling you she must have been at least 60… maybe 45, tops.