If you watch the news, you are an undeniably huge prick. You might say, “Oh, but I only tune in for the weather report, because it’s always accurate and never wrong!” In that case you’re not only gullible, but you should go fall on something sharp. “I need to check traffic before I leave for work,” you may cry. Too bad traffic jams are only a problem for people with important jobs, you selfish jerk.

What news anchors try to sell as journalism is the equivalent of professional athletes who take steroids: not only does it ruin your credibility, it slowly reduces the size of your genitals to microscopic proportions.

That explains why all news anchors appear to be up-tight douches. Just kidding. But not really.

Have you noticed that every news story seems as if it’s meant to scare you into thinking that if you don’t watch the news, something horrible will happen to you and you’ll die a painful death? Well as I see it, here’s the idea: news networks have to get ratings just like all the other stations.

If they can make you believe that eating butter will give you a stroke, or that you’ll be attacked by killer starfish if you go swimming in the ocean, or that all restaurants are crawling with giant plague-infested Mexican ninja rats, you’ll be too scared to leave the house and instead you’ll sit at home all day and watch more news.

The only thing that could even come close to being as ridiculous as the news would be if a musician, like Dave Matthews, had a band named after himself, and then decided to start another band, named after himself. Now that would be ridiculous.

Television shouldn’t be about knowing what’s happening in the world; that’s why there are emails about Bill Gates giving away all his money for no reason. Television is about the blatant disregard for the sanctity of your mind and the physical condition of your body. It’s about keeping your brain stimulated so you don’t have to think about meaningless, meaningless existence.