I was watching the Presidential debate the other day and I noticed a huge topic missing from the discussion. In mainstream politics today, it seems that everyone continues to overlook one of the most horrific problems with our nation: we let people into our country who don’t speak English. There’s nothing more irritating than receiving a Big Mac when you clearly said “I’ll have a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.”

But hold on just a minute, says the humanitarian: these people come from countries with governments that oppress them and make them sad It is our responsibility, as the best country in the world, to take them in and allow them to suckle the proverbial teat of our society.

Too bad I already came up with a better idea, sucka! When the immigrants get here, we take them each into a room and hold up a gigantic sign containing two sentences written in English. If they can read it, they automatically become U.S. citizens. If not, we throw them into the ocean and make them swim back to their own country under the watchful eye of a deadly firing squad. That’ll teach them. No messy Green Cards to worry about, no English illiterates slowing up the lines at the drive-thru.

See the thing is, if it’s really that bad in your country, you’ll do whatever it takes to get out. If it means learning a little English, I think that’s a relatively small price to pay for a lifetime of freedom in a capitalistic society. Besides, think of the alternative.

Can’t afford English lessons? Why not sell stuff to children in the street? You can almost always trick little kids into thinking things are worth more than they really are. Don’t have the resources in your home nation for learning English? That’s why they invented eBay.