This past summer I decided that rather than continuing to live in the Unholy Fires of Hell any longer, I would need to have my broken air conditioning system replaced. Quite an expense, I can assure you - and thus, I have begun my search for a gig on the side to help pay off the debt incurred by this massive monstrosity of a machine known as the heat pump. But I’ve got to tell you; it’s genuinely shocking how difficult it is for a talented, motivated young man like myself to find a part-time job.

My expectations were low and my minimum requirements were simple; I needed a high-paying job with very little actual work involved. Multiple servants or assistants, long periods of napping/inactivity, and gratuities in the form of gifts, food, and foot massages would be a plus. Surprisingly, even with my meager list of criteria I had still come up with nothing after weeks of fruitless searching. That’s when I turned to Craigslist, an online gathering of some of the most sheisty, low-life scum ever to surf the inter-web.

In only the past two days I’ve uncovered the following promising leads using nothing but Craigslist!

Sperm donors needed
Looking for a few good men! Seeking healthy college-educated men age 18-39 of all ethnic backgrounds. Donors earn approximately $150 per acceptable specimen. Program requires a six month commitment of weekly visits. ****** ******** was established in 1986 to help infertile patients in the US and worldwide with anonymous donor semen. Donation hours are Monday - Friday from 6:30 - 1:30 PM.

Obviously, if I were a megalomaniacal genius and wanted to have three hundred and fifty or so miniature versions of myself running around, this would be the way to go. To sire a virtual battalion of offspring to carry on my mortal progeny has indeed been a lifetime goal of mine, but each mother must be hand-picked for her exceptional beauty, grace, and her unrelenting desire to shower me with affection and monetary contributions. I can’t just allow a bunch of random women to be birthing my spawn like some slimy alien creature-fest.

Male Locker Room Attendant
******* **** Sport & Health is now hiring a male locker room attendant. Position would start as part-time with potential for full time.

Notice the obviously intentional lack of details, and the distinct ‘for more, please call’ tag line at the end. Applying for this job would be like calling a telephone number written on a rusty bathroom stall in blue sharpie. If you take this job you’ll probably end up with a lot of good stories to not tell anyone, ever.

Clinical Test Subjects Needed
$$$$ Earn Extra Income As A Compensated Clinical Test Subject for FDA Regulated Antiseptic Skin Product Evaluations $$$$

This is probably the ad to which I am most likely to respond so far. The way they put all those dollar signs before and after the first line screams ‘legit’ and gives you that undeniable feeling of security and complete safety. Anyone with half a brain can follow simple instructions, right? They were also real specific about how much money it pays, as “dependant on the individual study.” Sounds probably a lot like what will happen when you start growing three additional ears on the side of your left buttock and they give you the ol’ “hey, you signed the waiver, didn’t you?” excuse.

As you can see, my search for additional employment is going quite swimmingly. While I have seriously contemplated each of the above positions, however, I find it nearly impossible to deny the fact that I could make history with this one:

Surrogate Mother Wanted
Loving couple looking for a gestational carrier that is honest and willing to allow the couple to be a part of the pregnancy experience, with a good support system, MUST be stable, having no criminal history, no significant episodes of depression, no history of anti-depressant/psyche-related meds and not currently on any meds that would hurt the pregnancy or baby. Should be willing to do amnio (only if medically necessary), abort for serious congenital defects. Must be from a surrogate friendly state, have given birth at least once, between the ages of 21-45, non-smoker, healthy lifestyle and eating habits, living in continental United States, willing to travel to East Coast area for the embryo transfer, can use your own OB/GYN in home state after becoming pregnant. Willing to pay above average/excellent compensation. Experienced carrier welcome. Will pay significantly more for experienced carrier that has delivered successfully for another couple. Please call the office toll free at: 1-888-***-**** for an application or send an email to *******@************.com. Please reference couple *******.

Trust me, I know exactly what you’re thinking: “but Jay, you’ve never given birth before…” And that’s true. But while I have never been pregnant, even the most brightly burning flames must begin with a single spark. I don’t have a criminal record, and I’m not a smoker. Think about how much I could make! I’m not super familiar with what this type of job pays, but I do know that it only takes 9 months to pop a bun out of the oven!

Ok, I know we’re talking completely theoretical here, but stay with me. Say you could get like $15,000 per kid, right? If I work for even just 40 more years until I retire, that’s 40 years x 12 months a year = 480 months / 9 months per baby. That’s 53.33 babies! Multiply that times $15,000 and you’ve got yourself a grand total of… calculating… calculating… $799,995.00!!!!!

And this is listed as a part-time job, which means I could even keep working my daytime gig! It looks like this would be a win-win. I just don’t know if I’m emotionally ready to become a mother. Well, I’ll have to think about it some more, you know, give it a couple days. Then see how I feel about it. Anyway, wish me luck.