For thousands of years mankind has been plagued by famine, disease, and war. It has been widely speculated that many of the disasters that have befallen us as a race have been due to such sins as greed and lust. But take a second to stop and think about dancing. Every bit as dangerous as the aforementioned iniquities, this immoral act has been around for almost as long and has done a far greater disservice to the standards of our civilization.

While nations crumble and the souls of generations rot in the mire of their own discontentedness, there is a forgotten underworld that comes to life in the dark. Beneath the veneer of cultured society is a world that exists for the sole purpose of the most base pleasures. It is a world filled with chaotic laughter; a realm of raucous music and the merriment of the lost and the broken. Bodies writhe irreverently to the beating of drums. Melodies of trickery waft through the air as harmony tiptoes and frolics deceitfully around it. This horrible nightmare comes to fruition each time someone dances.

Dancing in itself is not a harmful action. Wait, who am I kidding. It is the single most abominable thing one can do with one’s body besides adultery and fornication. In the same way that eating the meat of animals leads to savage behavior, gluttony and poor health; allowing music to move one’s psyche to a point of emotional instability that results in dancing invites a pair of evil love demons to make babies in one’s heart. Each of us has been aware within themselves since a very young age that allowing the conception of demon babies inside your heart is a serious crime against mother nature, and is something that can never be undone.

Thus far we have discussed the implications of dance as something one person does by themselves. But what happens when you add another person into the mix, or - heaven forbid - multiple people, creating a pair or a group of dancers? Well, if one’s movements can be so detrimental to their well-being alone, as we have already illustrated, suffice it to say that tightly synchronizing the bodily gyrations of several people - as is done by the likes of mental patient and victim of poorly spelled first name Britney Spears - becomes a travesty not only for those dancing, but also for every watching bystander.

Even changing the channel on your television set (the evils of television are for another day) and mistakenly catching a glimpse of people in the throes of musical passion can put you at risk. You see, group dance is unfortunately seen by many as some warped and wretched form of entertainment. In these cases, the viewers are just as guilty in their own demon baby-producing hearts as the dancers themselves.

We all walk somewhere - nearly every day. At least those of us with two feet and two strong working legs do. Unless of course we are too fat, dumb and lazy to get out of bed and do something meaningful with our lives. Either way, I’d like to challenge you to remember about the harmful ways of dancing. Make it a point to walk calmly and evenly, taking one step after the other in medium-paced succession. Don’t meander, hop, skip, two-step, slide, tap, jig, or do anything else that might otherwise alter your perfect stride. And of course, don’t ever listen to any music as you walk. The temptation could easily become too much for your small brain to handle, and you could find yourself in the midst of a dance the likes of which you will never forgive yourself for.