As usual, I was looking for a fresh new way in which to broaden my horizons, alter my life dramatically and change my whole outlook on being super great. Unfortunately that idea degenerated into buying Scope mouthwash instead of my usual brand the last time I was at the store. It turned out to be a huge mistake, and I finally realized that horizons are the biggest rip-off in the history of metaphorical buzz words.

Anyone who knows me personally is well aware that I don’t fool around when it comes to the health and cleanliness of my orifices. My own nooks, crannies, and crevices are as near and dear to me as any starving child in the third world. Naturally one would assume, therefore, that I purchase only the top hygiene products to keep myself spic n’ squeaky from head to toe. One would be wrong.

One would be correct, however, to assume that I enjoy a deep tingling sensation in my mouth before brushing. Scope brand mouthwash falls severely short of the mark. While studies have shown that Listerine and other brands remove 99.9% of germs that cause bad breath, after using Scope I can sincerely admit that I doubt it could possibly remove even 98%.

“Feel the Tingle,” they claim. But those unfortunate bastards in the marketing department at Scope are utterly mistaken. Day in and day out, they are forced to make up catchy advertising slogans and statements which, quite frankly, are completely false. Feel the tingle. Yeah right.

A good mouthwash is like a fine wine; when you swish it around in your mouth, you should feel taste-buds popping, flesh being seared from the insides of your cheeks, and germs screaming out in sheer pain and agony. You should also not be able to see because your eyes are watering so intensely as you struggle to endure the full thirty seconds that will ensure that all 99.9% of those germs meet their demise, that you cannot help but grasp the roots of your hair tightly in your fists and pray to heaven that you won’t be too much of a coward to hold out for the fully allotted time segment advertised in the commercials.

In conclusion, Scope is just not good enough.