I was listening to my favorite talk radio station the other day, and the subject of reparitions for slavery came up. One person on the air, who happened to be an African American (surprise), said that if the government gave each black person $100,000 they’d all shut up about slavery and never bring it up again.

But why throw money at a demographic which is bound to blow it all on chrome rims and fried chicken? As usual, I have a cooler idea that will nearly cause your mind to implode upon itself for the sheer brilliance of it.

According to my reform, which I have carefully planned out, all black people would receive precisely $0.00 from the government, and in return, would shut the hell up. This would be set up on a graduated payscale to take place over the next 5 years, with most of the shutting-the-hell-up taking place immediately.

I don’t hear Jewish people asking Germany to pay them for the holocaust, do you? No, because generally speaking, the Jews know better than that. They hold the tragedy of that period in history in reverence, remembering the sacrifices of their friends and family members. They don’t take up arms and act like they went through it, even though some of them DID.

Oh, and by the way: unlike the holocaust, slavery happened over 200 years ago. If there are any 200-year-old black people still around, please accept my apologies. Otherwise, stop acting like you personally were a slave, and quit being such a disgrace to your ancestors by taking their suffering and pretending it’s your own.