That’s right, I’m picking a fight with one of the most profitable companies on the face of this solar system. Do I fear being struck down by a coffee guru and his café mocha-choca-latte-chino with caramel and whipped cream? Heck no! They’d probably try to come at me with a napkin and then realize how hypocritical it is to be an environmentalist who pays $5.00 every day for a drink served in a paper cup.

These hippie coffee gurus aren’t even keeping it real! They are wannabes that think it’s cool to buy drinks they can’t pronounce! Congratulations, you can spend money! Why don’t you go protest Walmart or something?

Starbucks is basically a rip off of Underground Beatnik Coffee house culture. I’m talking the artistic people who wear turtleneck sweaters and emerge from them in a rebirth-like fashion while drinking Zima blessed by Tibetan monks and channel their inner child through ultra conductive surfaces like cheese puffs covered in the gastric juices of Grandma Ethel.

Starbucks thinks they’re doing the world a service by mass producing culture and selling it to upper middle class yuppies, but instead they are putting hippies on the street with a caffeine buzz. They begin wandering around purposelessly and start getting hit by cars and causing a general disturbance. Starbucks is destroying ecosystems one by one, and that means people like you and me have to deal with stupid hippies all the time.

Now you might be asking yourself how Starbucks is related to Satan. If you weren’t aware, Satan is also directly related to the Snuggle bear, the Dell guy, and Claudia Schiffer… okay so I made Claudia Schiffer up. She’s only a cousin twice removed. Anyhow back to the point.

You might have noticed that the Starbucks icon is a mermaid. And it’s not the curious, fun-loving Ariel sort of mermaid either, this is a half-siren, soul-sucking mermaid that lures in the unwary with pleasures of the flesh. Furthermore, the name Starbucks is derived from a character in Moby Dick who loves coffee and goes along to hunt down and kill a gigantic whale, a biblical symbol. Both the mermaid and the name of the company only point to one relative… SATAN!

Corporations like Starbucks have the potential to wreck our entire concept of community by replacing it with the supersonic speed, faceless isolation, and lack of concern for those around us. You see the standardized staples of American life on every corner. Where are we when our culture is not created by the people, but pre-designed for the people? What happens when we prioritize efficiency above community? So next time you are drinking your mocha latte and you see a hippie on the street, warn them about oncoming traffic and preserve what community we have left.