Dang flabbit, people are so superficial it makes me want to shotgun them in the face, all the time. Just the other day I was looking around online for pictures of aborted fetuses when I came upon some generic, boneheaded site about “Reasons Why I Love You.”

One of them was something really homosexual like “I love you because thinking of you makes me feel good.” What the crap?! That’s like saying you wish you were paralyzed from the neck down so you’d never have to worry about getting struck by lightning! Do you hate yourself so much that you need someone else to make your existence less pathetic? Give me a break.

Here’s another good one: “I love you because I can tell you anything and you won’t be shocked.” Let me put it this way: if you tell a man you have five breasts and he doesn’t appear shocked, it’s not because he loves you. It’s because he’s reaching for his taser and he doesn’t want to scare you away before he can get off a clean shot. In this situation, someone who really loves you will say something to the effect of, “Oh mylanta… YOU SICK, SICK FREAK OF NATURE!” and then follow it up with an “Aw, heck… I still love you anyway.”

Finally, my personal favorite from the website, which can be found here, is the line that goes “I love you because every time I look at you my heart misses a beat.” So then what, am I going to have to start wearing a paper bag over my head so you don’t have heart failure, you ungrateful trash? Figure of speech my foot. How about every time you look at me I karate chop you in the eye?! Then we’ll see what kind of garbage you try to feed me about your heart problems, wench.

The fact is, true love is when your partner says “I love you more…” and you say “Sweet! That works for me.” Only kidding. You know you love someone when you care about what happens every day in their life as if it were yours. It’s when you can feel their happiness, their sadness, and their cravings for pineapple upside down cake as if those cravings were as near to you as your own cravings for pies and cakes of similar varieties. Mmm, pie.

*Deep, soothing voice* Until next time, lovebirds. This has been a true story.