Fathers - with the cold season upon us, a post-holiday vacation to somewhere warm and sunny can be just the thing to melt away those winter blues. But the commercials you see on TV about places like the Bahamas, Puerto Rico and Florida fail to address one important issue: what if you didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas? That cheap tie and the garage sale bath robe just aren’t going to cut it this year. There’s only one thing you can do, obviously, and that is to murder your entire family.

After all, why should you reward them with a vacation when they didn’t even have the sense to realize you could’ve used a new set of power tools, a fancy sports car, and three Rolexes? Crap, you deserve it! Still, you know that they’ll whine and moan until you agree to take them somewhere.

Since it seems that you’re in a bit of a conundrum, I’ve compiled a short list of vacation destinations that are easy on your pocketbook, but that also, conveniently, are great for killing a bunch of people.

Mount St. Helens - expansive views in the great State of Washington. And if anyone asks you why you, who are usually such a cheapskate, would pay for a helicopter tour over the volcano, just make up whatever lame excuse you want. They’ll be dead before they know it anyway.

Africa - safari rides are chock full of perilous beasts like Rhinos, Lions, Hyenas, poachers, and native headhunting tribesmen. And if none of that works, there’s always your trusty elephant gun.

Niagara Falls - it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Niagara Falls is the perfect remote locale for bludgeoning your whole family to death. Once the dastardly deed is done, you can leap off the falls for safety and make your getaway. Or you could just walk back to your rental car and drive away. No one will care. It’s Canada, remember?

Any Third-World Country - if you’ve reached your last thread and can’t convince the fam that any of the above vacation spots are any good, just tell them you have a surprise and buy them each a one-way ticket to the third world, preferably to an area stricken with poverty and/or relentless warfare. Be sure to steal any money, personal IDs, and credit cards that could allow them to escape, and replace them with shoddily constructed fakes containing the names and photos of local militant rebel leaders. Possible places for consideration could be Rwanda, Israel, Iraq, Somalia, Palestine, Ethiopia, Afghanistan, or Chechnya.

Good luck with your evil plans, fathers, and happy holidays!