Lately I’ve been thinking about what would be the most heinous way for the world to end, but I can’t think of anything cooler and more realistic than a nuclear apocalypse. Maybe like if a bunch of things happened at once like a super-gnarly disease that makes people’s eyeballs pop out of their heads and their brains splash out onto the street, along with a simultaneous invasion of alien monkeys from Mars, which happens simultaneously with a global warming effect that singes people’s limbs off the minute their skin touches sunlight like in that Vin Diesel movie. It would be so crazy watching people with no eyes or brains run around on fire while alien monkeys chase them with ray guns.

But I think what’s most likely to happen is once all the other countries get mad enough at the U.S. for always bungling its way into their personal affairs, they’ll just start launching nukes at us. It will probably be a huge conspiracy too so they’ll all start firing at the same time. The only thing about that is our defense systems are wicked awesome. We’d pummel their crappy, sub-par weapons before they even reached our airspace - and even better, hopefully before they leave the airspace of their respective countries. That way they’ll detonate right there, and we’ll laugh and roll around on the floor holding our guts and crying tears of laughter and flailing our legs with knees bent, stomping our heels into the ground in rapid succession, because they will have all just nuked themselves.

Every President since Johnson would be lying if they said they wanted anything more than to get the chance to hit that little red button. And even though Bush is an idiot savant /slash/ great President (yes, it is possible to be dumb and legendary at the same time) you know his finger has been twitching ever since he set foot in the house of whiteness. So then what would happen is we’ll accuse everyone involved in this conspiracy of attacking us, and even though they’re all suffering the catastrophes of nuclear fallout and their kids all have an extra head, five arms, seven legs and three buttcracks, we’re going to retaliate. Because that’s just how much the super-sweetness the U.S. really is.

After we’ve blown them to high heaven a second time, all our trade routes will be effectively cut off and our people will starve and begin to eat each other like cannibals. Then something will go catastrophically wrong, for no other reason than because that’s what happens at the end of the world. We’ll be building some new bombs or something because we used all our other ones on all the countries, and one of them will go off and our country will become a wasteland too. Lawlessness and anarchy will prevail, and since there are no countries left with trees or plants to convert carbon dioxide back into oxygen, the whole world will suffocate and die. Except the extremely hardy people, who will join together in bands of marauders, plundering and pillaging the mutated wastes until they eventually kill each other off.

One hundred years later, the last of the mutants will be laid to rest and the earth’s crust will crack into a bajillion pieces and float off into space somewhere. Then God will come down for the second coming and be like “ey, where did everybody go?” And He’ll realize that when He created man we were incredible morons without the capacity to take care of our lush green planet. Then He would probably do the Homer Simpson “doh!” thing and start over again. At least I think that’s what would happen.