The tale you are about to hear is absolutely true. The names, places, and events have been altered to add continuity to an otherwise unrelated series of happenings.

This afternoon I walked to the Circle Plaza to eat lunch at Subway (very fresh, as promised in the advertisements, by the way). It was a fairly normal day; slightly rainy, but nothing seemed amiss. That is, until I noticed the fire engine approaching from a distance to my left.

It was barreling down the road at an alarming rate - probably in excess of 30 miles per hour, which, for a fire truck, can make it extremely dangerous to persons of feeble mind, who may become quickly mesmerized by its shiny chrome, red paint and bright flashing lighty things, only to then be mangled under its massive chassis.

I stopped and turned to watch as car after car pulled over to let the engine through. But one car, a green minivan, was not so accomodating. The driver (who was not only foreign, but a woman, I might add) stayed on the main road, passing everyone while in front of the fire truck. When the van reached a red light, the driver did what any moronic dolt would do in this situation: she stopped in the middle of the street.

Thank goodness people who drive fire trucks are paid to be good drivers. After the truck had swerved to miss the worthless sack of crap driving the minivan and moved on, you’ll never believe what she did next. With the light still red, she attempted a left turn into oncoming traffic, then slammed on the brakes before coming within inches of T-boning a cop car!

How such a brain-dead whack job ever achieved the right to drive is a mystery to me. I thought it would’ve been cool if the cop had gotten out and killed the lady to death with one of his guns. Guns are awesome and police officers usually carry at least enough bullets to kill like twenty people. Too bad if they were allowed to do that there would be a ton more cops.

The moral of the story: don’t be a dumbass. If you do, sooner or later you’re going to get yourself killed, or worse, accidentally kill someone else who is more important than you.