Here’s a quick excerpt from this morning: I was in the Parking Lot (ie., the Fairfax County Parkway during morning rush hour just south of Reston) and I noticed a police car just up ahead. The officer was standing along the side of the road looking at each car as it passed. I decided it was time to whip out my Evil, Lazy-eyed Stare of Blazing Death and Flesh-Eating Decay.

This horrific stare, which I have patented in over 70 countries around the world, has been known to crush babies and small children like pancakes, de-wheel moving vehicles, and vaporize little old ladies in their tracks. But I’d never tried it on a cop before so I was anxious to see what would happen. As my car passed the spot, our eyes locked and we began to battle furiously, in a melding of the minds that seemed to last an infinity and a half.

Then, with a wave of his Long Arm of the Law, he pulled me over.

“Any idea why I stopped yeh?” he asked moments later, in a southern drawl while twisting his handlebar mustache between thumb and forefinger.

“Because you’re a stupid prick and now I’m going to be late to work?” I asked, tilting my head to the side and grinning widely.

“Eeeeexactly,” said the officer, pulling out his nightstick. “Step out the vehicle please sir.”

It was like the sequel to Rodney King, Rodney King II: You Ain’t Seen Nothin Yet, Punk.

Thirty minutes later I pushed myself up from the bloody asphalt, cringing as my two broken ribs, fractured fibula and a shattered shoulder blade wiggled about in their sockets. The two dozen or so police cruisers surrounding my car still had their lights flashing.

“Uncle! … I mean thank you, your majesty,” I repeated as I hobbled back to my vehicle. “I am not worthy.”

“That’ll teach yeh to keep yer inspection sticker up t’date,” said the officer.

“Oh yeah, about that,” I said, reaching down to the floor of the back seat. I pulled out my ninja suit, put it on, and proceeded to karate kick each officer in the nuts, one by one. They all laughed and said I was super awesome. Then I drove to work and left them all lying there in their own nut-pain.

The preceding story was totally awesome, and totally true, like no joke man. Names, locations, and events have been changed to protect the identities of corrupt lawmen.