When powdered milk was invented, it was pretty cool. When space ice-cream was invented, it was really cool. But the substitution of pseudo goods for the real thing was never truly awesome until the fake Christmas tree came about.

These plastic replacements for the authentic pieces of shrubbery totally rule for a number of entirely verifiable reasons. For one thing, fake Christmas trees can be bought for a reasonable price, ranging anywhere from 1 to 300 dollars. For something that lasts approximately forever, and considering the price of real Christmas trees these days, that’s a pretty good deal.

Secondly, purchasing a fake tree means taking one trip to a heat-controlled store, and returning home with the neatly boxed shrubbery in your vehicle’s rear storage compartment, where some minor assembly may be required. Storage is simple, with nothing to do but strip the tree of its branches, stuff it all in a box and throw it in the attic.

With a real tree, however, one must drive around to countless outdoor tree lots and stand there in the freezing cold of winter, searching through God knows how many trees in search for the “perfect one,” then go through the agonizing process of having it shaved down, packaged, and brought to your car, where it is strapped to the roof of your vehicle in a cumbersome manner.

Once it is home it must be taken down, carried inside, and stood up straight in one of those annoying tree stands.

If this is not enough, one must constantly keep in mind to water the real tree, where the fake tree requires no maintenance whatsoever. Handling of the real tree may cause splinters, sore muscles, and sticky hands, where the fake tree may cause minor hand irritations at best. Real trees leave those tiny, burdensome needle thingies all over the floor, and clean-up can be atrocious; fake trees do not.

Now for the traditionalists, it could be justifiably argued that fake Christmas trees are, well…. fake. You don’t get the “real feeling” of Christmas, and you can’t smell the “Christmas smell,” or it’s just “not the same.” And while throwing the tree branches into the fireplace and watching them burst into flame after Christmas is over can be mildly or even raucously entertaining, what’s the point of going to all that trouble for a real tree when the fake one is half the work?

And for those of you who are of the Jewish or African-American persuasion, I would like to say only this: Have a Happy Hannukah, a Kwazy Kwanzaa, and be glad you don’t have to deal with Christmas trees.