Attention Women!
Ever have trouble deciding whether to keep him or dump him after the first date?
Here is a simple checklist that you can use to help you make the decision more easily. In order to properly assess the performance of your date, we recommend bringing along a pencil and clipboard, along with a few extra sheets of paper and a graphing calculator with which to take notes and make any additional computations necessary. Remember: always pay close attention to your date and his mannerisms, speech patterns, and breathing rate throughout the evening. These can all be important clues that will enhance your judgment and allow you to make a more comprehensive analysis, and thus an come to a more decisive conclusion.

Section A: Appearance

1. Looks: Is your date hot? Is he ripped, with huge muscles and toned skin? Or does his body resemble one of your little brother’s lego figures?
__ Award +10 points if your date is super-hot
__ Award +5 points if he looks alright
__ Award 0 points if you don’t care what he looks like as long as he is rich
__ Subtract -5 points if he is kind of ugly
__ Subtract -10 points if you’d rather make out with your hamster

2. Style: Does he color his hair? How well does he dress? Do his shoes match his contact lenses?
__ Award +10 points if he is totally in style
__ Award +5 points if he needs some work, but is almost there
__ Award 0 points if you were only paying attention to the Rolex and the platinum necklace he was wearing
__ Subtract -5 points if he dresses like a nerd
__ Subtract -10 points if he is like a major geekazoid

3. Fragrance: Do you think you smell an expensive musk, or a cheap dollar store scent over B.0.?
__ Award +10 points if he smells good
__ Award 0 points if your nose was only able to sniff out the bills in his wallet
__ Subtract -10 points if he smells like grandma’s old sweater dipped in cat urine

Section B: Hygiene

1. Does your date look clean or disheveled? Shower-fresh or sewer-stale?
__ Award +10 points for a clean appearance
__ Subtract -10 points for a dirty appearance
__ IMPORTANT: Award +5 points if he is dirty, but looks hot anyway

2. Did your date brush his teeth before he picked you up?
__ Award +20 points for a clean mouth - this is crucial
__ Subtract -20 points if his teeth are the color of lemon gatorade and his breath reminds you of rotten potato salad

3. How about that earwax?
__ Award +5 points if he hears everything you say
__ Subtract -10 points if he says “what?” more than once every 30 seconds

Section C: Etiquette

1. Did your date hold the door for you?
__ Add/Subtract +/-5 points for every time your date held the door for you. How you score this one all depends on whether you like it when guys hold the door open for you or not. If you’re a real lady, you should award positive points. If you’re leaning a little towards the “Extremist Femi-Nazi Women’s Lib Activist with short hair and bigger muscles than most grown men” side, take points away.

2. Did your date offer you a drink, and/or something to eat?
__ Score this question the same as number 1 above.

Section D: Listening Skills

1. Did your date gaze at you longingly and pay the utmost attention to your every word, hanging by a thread for the next tender morsel of verbiage to flutter forth from your vocal chords and into his ears?
__ Subtract -50 points if he actually did that. What a loser!
__ Subtract -20 points if he didn’t listen to you as much as he should have
__ Award +10 points if you think he really listened to you
__ Tack on an extra +5 if he actually made you think he cared about anything besides your breasts

2. How many times did he interrupt you throughout the date?
__ Add +5 points for every instance of conversational dominance he exhibited. He obviously had something more important to talk about than you did… but we can’t subtract points from YOU, now can we.

3. Did you catch your date checking out other babes while you were talking to him?
__ Subtract -5 points for every hot chick you saw him staring at
__ Subtract a further -10 points if the hot chick had blonde hair and weighed less than 110 lbs.
__ Subtract -20 points for every ugly chick he even glanced at for a split second

Section E: Sense of Humor

1. How are his jokes? Did he make you laugh a lot, some, or not at all?
__ Give him +5 points for each time you laughed at one of his jokes
__ Subtract -5 points for each time he said something a little flaky
__ Subtract -10 points for each time you felt obligated to give him a courtesy laugh
__ Subtract -20 points for each time you wanted to smack him for being such a moron

2. Did he offend you?
__ On a scale of 1 to 100, subtract the total number of points, as a percentage, that reflects the overall degree to which you were offended by the sum total of offensive things he said

Section F: You

1. Did he complement you? Did he tell you how wonderful you are in every possible way?
__ Award +10 points for every complement he gave you, up to a maximum of 3
__ Subtract -10 points for every complement in excess of 3, as he was obviously trying too hard at this point

2. Were you successfully able to mask any inclination you had to jump his bones? Did you fling yourself at him like a leaf in the wind, or were you able to control your lustful urges and resist his charms?
__ Award +15 points to your date if he walked you to the door, gave you a firm handshake and said goodnight, even after you “accidentally” tried to go in for the kiss and got rejected
__ Add another +25 if he asked you to please stop biting him while he was driving
__ Subtract -20 points if your date tried to get you in the backseat - this is not a double standard!
__ Award +200 points if your date was wearing only his boxers when he came to pick you up