I’m not sure what kind of cool you think you are, but I personally have been waiting for years for a medium through which I can spew my personal information into cyberspace so anyone with half a brain and the ability to type can exploit me to the fullest.

Enter thefacebook.

Back in the good old days, if you wanted to stalk someone you needed cunning, intelligence, and a little bit of crazy. Thanks to thefacebook you still need all that, but you’re no longer forced to go to extreme measures to gather information - just take advantage of the personal material that people are GIVING OUT FOR FREE.

Another great thing about this whole deal is the fact that it creates a de-humanization in the way you’ll make new friends from now on:

“This is too good to be true. Like are you serious? Can I really meet people at my school without having to actually see them or talk to them in person?”

See, thefacebook really promotes a lack thereof; a regression of “face,” so to speak. It’s an online social network meant to relieve the stress of getting to know people the normal, old-fashioned way; by smiling and saying hi. It’s about as horrible as Instant Messenger, except it’s not for the purpose of talking to people you know in real life.

What a bunch of crap. Build a rickety bandwagon and everyone jumps on, not because it makes any sense at all, but because “hey, thousands of people can’t be absolutely frickin mentally obsolete… right?” If that were impossible, millions of Jews wouldn’t have been mass-murdered at the hands of brainwashed militant racists in the early-to-mid 1940’s. So the lesson here, and what I’m really trying to say, is that if you use thefacebook you’re a murdering, bloodthirsty Nazi bastard.