Everyone dreams of a land where babies can run shirtless and shoeless, without having to worry about barbed wire, broken glass, and Boy Scout leaders; a land where they can be surrounded by soft bunnies and non-poisonous flowers.

This dream, however, is stopped short by a little thing called reality. Babies live in a cruel, integer-filled world plagued by automobiles, bad cartoons, and Donald Rumsfield. Parents, pushed by the demands of conformity, their lack of attentiveness, and the need for anal retentive control, turn to the only option available to them… human leashes.

For those in the market for baby leashes, I’ve developed some safer and more child-friendly products that might be useful in order to restrain your feeble-minded baby beasts!

1.) The Baby Zapper 2000 - First off, this machine sounds awesome! The word Zapper makes it sound fast and efficient and the number 2000 makes it sound technologically advanced! Hurrah! The device, however, is relatively simplistic in its design: imagine your baby walking farther than the designated limit. Of course this limit varies depending on the overall size of the infant, the texture of their skin, and the amount of free spirit that must be seized out of their youthful bodies. You don’t want them to become an Art History major do you?

The Baby Zapper 2000 quickly and efficiently sends a little cute lovable jolt of electric power through the child’s body. This contraption comes with a choice of studded leather or rhinestone collars in a variety of colors and electrical adjustment levels! Brought to you by the Little Shock of Horrors.

2.) The Kiddy Cage - This wonderful contraption allows your child to roam freely in a safe, 3′ by 3′ environment with protective steel bars! With a push handle and wheels, the “cage” actually acts as a baby carriage and is completely portable. There is also room for playmates, or as we like to call them, inmates! If lions, werewolves, giraffes, snow leopards, or other creatures were to come across your child, they would be unable to devour it, allowing you to run like a gazelle without feeling any of those pesky instincts to guard your child!

Plus, you don’t even have to take your child out of the cage! For a limited time only, the deluxe package comes complete with carpeting, inverted bottle that automatically refills itself with the breast milk from women in third world countries, and toys that are guaranteed to brainwash them into neglecting their responsibilities! That way your children will be on the road to becoming a chip off the ol’ block!

3.) The Baby Ball - Your kid will “have a ball” in this state-of-the-art baby ball! Much like a hamster ball, the ball protects your child from all angles. What better way to show your child who’s boss while training them to be a contestant on American Gladiator?

As you can see, there are many alternatives to the inhumane practice of putting your child on a leash. Turn that bundle of “OY!” to a bundle of joy today!