The Neo-70’s-Garage-Retro-80’s movement in music today really steams my pancakes. I was just watching some music videos and I had to stuff paper towels down my throat to keep from having a seizure all over the place. It was not pretty, like both people from the White Stripes, and also that chick from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

As far as the music goes, talent levels are on par with, say, a loaf of bread. And by that I mean a big pile of worthless. Come to think of it, I have taken DUMPS with actually more musical talent than any given song by the band ” The Strokes.”

That’s why this music peels my kidneys so much; it reminds me of the 80’s because all the music tasted like barf back then too and everybody loved to drink it. I look at music videos from the 80’s and just say to myself, “what the crap?”

In fact, I came up with a new slogan for the bands Modest Mouse, Franz Ferdinand, and Secret Machines. Note: this is not an actual slogan for any of these bands.

“[INSERT NAME OF BAND HERE]: Because if monkeys had opposable thumbs, they, too would rock out.”

Lastly, time to make a vomit pie. Here’s the recipe: crappy music + ugly people + lots and lots of repetition = PUKE. Happy listening!