It was two days ago, and two days ago it was. My laundry needed to be done and dontcha know, I was doin it. When I reached into the basket to grab the last handful of smelly, sweat-stained socks, the refrigerator caught my eye. It was pea green, a prime example of a retro 70’s kitchen appliance. But it wasn’t in the kitchen.

There I was, standing in the depths of the darkest, dankest part of the basement of the house of the neighborhood of like, the universe. The strange thing is, living here for nearly 5 months I had never known we had a second refrigerator. It wasn’t until I had opened the door that I realized why.

By February, any milk cartons dated October 31 should have been thrown away. Cups of yogurt stamped with “sell by July 22″ should, too. Close your eyes and think back to December 17, 2001… that was a long time ago, so I doubt you can remember exactly what you were doing that day. If you lost a jar of mayonnaise, I found it. These items and dozens more combined to smell like nothing I’ve ever experienced on this planet.

The air was old; it reeked with the stank of a thousand elephant turds. Only worse. My lungs were instantly filled with noxious fumes and I slumped to the floor, clutching my throat. Gagging, I reached out to shut the door but my hand got fried off by the Orange Marmalade on the middle shelf. Thank goodness the door shut on its own and I was soon turned back to normal again. I was able to take several photographs that I have assembled for your viewing pleasure, here.

Though I barely escaped this harrowing experience, I now have a deeper appreciation for 70’s hardware and probably the food, too. Who knows how old some of that stuff is. If you want to see it I’ll give you a tour for $10 plus 4.5% sales tax, 15% gratuity, and 6.9% interest, compounded second-ly.