I’ve often wondered why so many adults seem to hold an all-encompassing grudge against the teenage population. But I think I’m finally starting to figure out why. A couple nights ago, a group of them got wasted and bashed in around 80 cars in my neighborhood with golf clubs, including mine. Why, you might ask? To celebrate their high school graduation. Yeah exactly… boneheads, every last one of em.

But let’s not be so hard on the kids; to be truly objective, you have to consider the intense trauma that the average adolescent faces each day. Anyone whose body is changing rapidly and without control is going to be, for lack of kinder terminology, an imbecile. When you don’t know what’s going on inside your own body, how can you even hope to have the slightest idea how to run your own life?!

In fact, the average teenager is not unlike the Cicada, a blind insect who waits 17 years to emerge from a hole in the ground to continually baffle scientists with the knowledge that a living creature can be such a moron and still survive long enough to produce offspring. When you take into account the fact that the Cicada is loud and obnoxious, crashes into everything in sight, and has no idea what “look before crossing the street” means, it would appear that the teenager and the Cicada are the evolutionary equivalent of BROTHERS.

The truth is, I don’t have a grudge against teenagers, I just feel sorry for them. The teenage years are the best years of your life, and the reason why is because you have fun all the time with complete disregard for everyone else. I’m sure that by the time I have kids I will have forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager, but I suppose that’s life. At least I’ll have an excuse to be an old grumpy shmuck.